Word of the day: dearth. I just learned this new word, and I want to use it frequently, but I am somewhat unsure of it's meaning. I think it means none, because it was used in the context of "a dearth of dads", when the kid really didn't have any.

I have a dearth of free time in the next two months. Did I use this correctly?

I'm getting close to the end of the scarf, making me pretty much a knitting machine.

I have had a dearth of workouts this week. But plenty of coffee, and soon my teeth will be stained like a Brit's.

Piano music is very relaxing. Sleeping in is too, and I've done that three times.

My mommy bought me a snuggie this week!! Unfortunately, I do not have it in my possession right now, meaning that I have a dearth of snuggies until Thanksgiving Break. Which is way too far away.

Homework due next week? I really don't want to think about it. Pretty much all of it is due Monday, except for two papers, though the draft of one of those is due Monday, so it's pretty much due Monday too. Ok, so only one paper isn't due Monday. I'm going to shoot myself.

I had to drag Sarah to get her nose pierced yesterday. It was so fun...I had to lock the car doors to keep her out of it, then kind of force her to go inside, then sit with her in the waiting room, then hold her hand as they stuck the needle through, and then reassure her every five minutes that her nose was not gushing blood. Oh my. Good times.

NEW MOON COMES OUT NEXT THURSDAY!!!! AAAAHHHHH!!!!!

Facebook is an evil, terrible, wicked thing. There should be more of it.

Actually, this week has been kind of hard emotionally. It all started with that stupid Liz e-mail thing (which I never got--surprised? I'm not...just disappointed). Throughout the week, I realized how selfish and manipulative she really is through storiese from Sarah and what I saw at young life. She was never really feeling sorry for ripping someone's heart to pieces in the process of getting the boy she wanted--she just hated to think that someone didn't like her. She probably almost thought that I should be the one to apologize for disapproving of her romance story.

Young Life was killer this time. Last time, I came out fine. This time it all started wrong. Before we even got there, we passed them walking up, holding hands, and it just looked so wrong to me. When they got inside, people were excited to see him. All I could think was, "if only they knew..." Then Liz was obnoxious and rude to me for the first half, sometimes saying things to Sarah and standing in front of me like I wasn't even there. On the flip side, I was perfectly polite to her. And the entire service, she was one spot over from me. And Greasy was on the other side of the room, sitting by my stuff and getting a good view of me. I felt so exposed. And I realized that I was in the same room with the two people who hurt me the most in the world--and they didn't even care. I kept a really upbeat mask on the whole time, but cried all the way back up the mountain and for a little while after in the car.

The next day, Sarah finally figured out that he was spending the night there, sleeping with Liz in her bed. I knew he'd been staying over, but I thought he would at least have the decency to sleep on the couch. On facebook this morning, there were comments about her waking up happy. I wanted to punch my computer screen. It took me a while too, to figure out why I was upset, because, I mean, it's not like I want to sleep with him now or anything. But I suppose it's this--the two most selfish, hurtful, hypocritical people I know are getting the "happiness" that I used to want. She got exactly what she wanted, like she does all the time. And they spend every free moment together--which is more time than he used to give me. It makes me feel like I'm worth less than she is. Like I'm less lovable. Like I'm not worth it. It's so messed up. He used to come to my house to wake me up sometimes and sing "Good Morning, Beautiful". Once he woke me up with my promise ring. I used to dream about waking up to his face every morning.

Yuck. It's like none of that was even special, because he went ahead and used it on the next one.

Where's my husband when I need him? I have a dearth of husbands! I also wish that I had a dearth of greasy boys...unfortunately, this one still tries to do things to get my attention. Like creep me in the lunchroom this afternoon when he has no reason to be on campus.

I'm going to visit Jonanne and the girls this weekend, and it's gonna be great. And I'll be cut off from the internet, so I may actually get some homework done. Buuuut...maybe not. Lol. They have woods and turtles :)

Song of the day: How You Love Me Now (by Hello Monday). It's real great. Totally applied.

I would just like to be done. Is that too much to ask?

Word of right now: lots. I have lots of lots. Like homework, needed hours of sleep, spoonfuls of peanut butter, pounds gained since I got here, clothes on my bed, stinky socks, etc...

After several attempts, Beaulah was finally rescued from downtown Chattanooga. Well, more like two attempts but it felt like a lot. Sarah and Carly were kind enough to come up here and take me back down the mountain just to find out that the gates closed an hour earlier on Fridays...but we had fun anyway. We watched the shrimp on a treadmill on youtube.

I have like two feet of scarf done and it's super fun. I just wanna knit all the time.

Saturday was one of the most boring days ever. Until Alyssa decided it was DONUT TIME. So, it's like ten o' clock at night, and we drive down the mountail. Alyssa is almost out of gas, so we stop at the sketch mountain gas station just to find out it's closed. Thankfully, we made it to the one at the bottom of the mountain. WELL, we get down there and Alyssa flips because she thinks she's lost her phone. We look everywhere, and then go back up the mountain to look for it in the gravel pit--we even stopped to check at sketch station--only to discover that it was under the front seat the whole time....

So we went back down and ended up going to IHOP instead of Krispy Kreme. Good choice. I had my first crepe, and sadly enough, it was not what I wanted it to be. And I'm sure the menu said that it came with ice cream, but our waitress kept saying no. And then there was a really sketchy policeman security guard who was staring at us...sketchily.

Studying on the veranda on a sunny day is like studying on the beach. Now I really want to go to the beach in a new bikini. Unfortuntely, my body is much less bikini-ish now than it was this summer...

Studying with Molly for Doctrine late at night = aaaaaahhhh! So much laughter...Adam's posterior, pig fetuses, a really fun drinking song, and finally, in a fit of frustration, Molly goes, "And d*mn all those b*stards to hell!" when answering the question on the estate whereinto man fell...SO FUNNY. Poor Molly...

This morning was crazy. Tired + disoriented. The Great Hall had scones. I love scones. I ate a scone and loved it. Then I fell asleep at the table. Then, on the way to practical service, all of my notes fell out of my folder and I couldn't get them back in. FAIL.

Kindergartners make everything better. I don't know what it is, and I love it. Cade is really artistic, and I think he shows some promise. However, it is a little weird that he colors flowers on his ice cream scoops...

I don't know how I did on my Doctrine test. I don't know how I did on my CHOW test. I don't know how much I really care.

So, according to Sarah, it looks like Liz may be wanting reconciliation with me. Apparently, younglife Bible study last week was about making peace, and she wants to make things between us non-awkward, like send me an e-mail or something. But, the way she described everything to the girls riding in the car who didn't know the story was like Greasy hadn't really done anything wrong--they just kind of ended up together. She didn't tell the whole story. And she tried not to put him at fault, just said that she knew he'd lied to me and some to her, but didn't go into detail about that. At first I was thinking "Then WHY are you still with him??" and then I remembered that I stayed with him even when I knew he had lied about her too. In the end, she just wanted their opinion on whether or not it would be a good idea.

So I don't know exactly why she wants this. Does she just feel guilty? Is she really sorry at all? Does she know how bad I was hurting, partially due to her? I mean, I put the guilt mostly on him, but at the same time, she knew what was going on and how bad it would hurt me and did it anyway. She DID say yes to him, even after I had tried to reconcile with her. And she lied to me too. I lost sleep, lost weight, and went disfunctional at for weeks at a time simply by picturing her face.

I didn't realize how much anger I had toward her until today, either. I don't want that anger. But I would like for her to really be sorry. I want to believe that she is deeper than he is. Maybe she's not and I want too much. But it's not like we can just be like--hey, let's just forget about it and be buds! No, I would have to bare my soul, tell her everything, and then just pray that she responds the right way without hurting me. I don't think I can reconcile with both of them and have them still be together, it wouldn't seem right to me. Or even reconcile with her, try to be friends, and she still be with him.

I'm so confused. There are way too many implications to this.

It's what I wanted, too, but I don't know if it's the way I wanted it.

And I received this information right before my CHOW test, so I kind of had a rough time concentrating at all.

And tonight, Lisa and I tried to see who could jump and touch the ceiling. And I trapped her in the closet. And she has a ridiculous amount of candy under her bed. And she wears a funny green hat every evening.

Song of the day: Sweet Caroline

Hahaha...I blog way too much. Good thing this is pretty much for my own personal benefit. I'll make it into a book one day and sell it and EVERYBODY will buy it.

Word of the day: papers. I hate them. And there are far too many of them between now and Christmas. Good thing I dominate them like the TERMINATOR.

Yesterday, I woke up to the song Whatcha Say. I literally woke up singing and dancing, cuz I sat up in bed and busted a move. The morning was only made richer by the fact that ten minutes later, Greasy sent me a desperate facebook message. Then the sun was shining, my outfit was real cute, and, well, I got to blast music while showering. Showering before I put on that cute outfit and went out in the sunshine, of course.

Then Stewart actually made a funny joke in class (there was a vehicle outside that was backing up and making a beeping noise, and he commented on how it sounded like a microwave and then called, "It's done! You can get it out now!"), Hallstrom gave me a complement in acting, and Macallister let us out of CHOW half an hour early. BOOYAH.

Sarah and I went to First Friends and, well, met new friends. Real great. Sarah actually talked to a Buddhist guy who didn't know who Jesus was. And the food was delicious. And my car didn't get a ticket. However, my car...well, we'll get to that.

So we swung by Carly's room after and then went to Young Life Quest. Now, here's the deal. I've wanted to go to this all semester, but haven't because Greasy and Liz are really involved there and I was afraid of what it would do to me to actually see them together. So, going was a HUGE deal because it means that I've developed enough courage to not let them get in the way of what I want to do--or at least, not all the way.

Needless to say, we played a big group game, and I had a partner who I'd never met before, and I tripped at least three times, falling on the ground, and managed to dive over the crowd of everyone--who I'd also never met before--and had a blast. I just didn't look at those guys and I was ok.

So, after the service was a bit more awkward. I was talking to Carissa, when out of nowhere, Liz tackles Sarah and they barrel over us....UM. Carissa's face = 0.0 We sidled away to talk to Cassandra, and a couple minutes out of nowhere, Liz and Sarah and Carly start yelling my name--I turn around and Liz starts apologizing and laughing like it was a funny joke between friends. I stammered out that it was fine, but in my head I was going "?????????????" And the entire time after that she would act just like we had before anything happened--friends of friends, but not close friends--but completely comfortable with each other. It was definitely not the reaction I expected--I thought that she would be just as cautious of me as I was of her. But I guess she really has NO idea....

And it's weird. Because, yes, there is something in me that would like to be friends with her. It would make things easier with Sarah, maybe we could all hang out together, I don't know. And, at the same time, maybe I would finally be able to break to her what her boyfriend is doing behind her back. But I don't see any way that we could ever really be friends because of Greasy. Maybe, one day, if he is long gone, we can all be friends, and it'll be ok. But as of now, I don't know how on earth I could get rid of the tension. Can we just flush him down the toilet and make him go bye-bye? That, and we aren't really very similar...she needs a healthy dose of reality and maturity, and maybe God will give her that when and if Greasy gets flushed--just as he did with me. And, as of now, she and Greasy have kind of morphed into each other, and I can't be around anyone who emobodies greasiness.

I don't know.

Needless to say, I want to go back, because I actually did have a good time. I'm just real, real confused.

Oh, and my car. Well, I get back to the parking lot to go get it, and all the gates are locked. And my car is not an off-roader. So I'm really thankful the twins were there to get me, becuase if they hadn't been, I might have had to ask Greasy for a ride. And who wants to ride on greasy seats??

Today=class registration finished=hallelujah my schedule is grrreat. Most outstanding feature of my day? I had to pee like seven times this afternoon, which is way too much for any one afternoon. Maybe you didn't need to know that. But it's ok, because nobody reads this anyway...until it gets published, of course....

And I'm about to go to a Christina/Mulan/knitting party. Covenant parties are way too cool.

New hall term = womb. More specifically hysterics, when a woman's womb moves to all parts of her body.

I've been reading through my old xanga, and I was probably one of the most hyper fifteen year olds I've ever known. SO MANY EXCLAMATION POINTS. When I read it, all I can imagine is a small girl sitting at a computer bouncing up and down rapidly. As Michelle said about it last night when I read out my "about me" --- "You were a lot cooler thirteen-year-old than I was." Unfortunately, I was fifteen. Maturity fail.

Song of the day: Replay. Again.

Word of the day: anti-friend. This was a term Amy came up with. It means person that you reject on facebook, even though you know them really, REALLY well. It's kind of like an enemy, but not exactly. More like a douchebag ex-boyfriend who facebook creeps you to drive you crazy. ANYWAYS.....

Working out makes me feel more buff. Especially when I burn like, 138 calories before I've actually eaten any that day. It's kind of like having credit, but for food. I could eat 138 calories then and it would count for nothing for the day! Well, ok, so not exactly like that...

There are ladybugs everywhere. We are getting massively swarmed, and they're still coming. Our hall was 80 degrees today, and it's November. Yeah, the ladybugs like that. What is wrong with our air conditioning? I don't know, but it's dumb.

I wish I could sleep as much as my roommate does. But Laura has no time for naps.

RUF sex talk. Real awkward. One of the points on the handout: "Sex is fun! [reference from Song of Solomon]" Ummmm.....I can't have a husband for a few years, thanks. Glad this is stuck in my head now. I think, sometimes, that talking about how you shouldn't have sex almost makes kids want to do it more. Not that I'm going to go out and have sex with somebody soon. But it's like telling somebody NOT to think about a polar bear for one minute. Try it. Fail? Yeah, that's what I thought. Telling kids "DON'T HAVE SEX." is kind of like that...now that they can't do it, it's like that piece of candy your mom wouldn't let you have as a kid, now you just want it more. I think that maybe it's better to tell kids stuff that they can do now that's a lot better than sex with someone you aren't married to. Like, enjoying your singlehood, which is what I'm doing. Sure, scare the crap out of them with warnings about what will happen if they do have sex outside of marriage--tell 'em not to have it. But then tell them what they CAN do that's way more fun.

Math buddies just make Tuesday lunch an exciting experience. There was something Amy said that I really wanted to quote that I forgot...sad day. And grilled chicken was invented to go in salad, this is my conclusion. It's delish.

The Song of Roland is a ridiculous piece of literature. The poem focuses on the gore of war (bahaha...that rhymes..), and the main character faints like sixteen times! Ok, so that was a lie, it's more like three, but still. The dude's a commanding officer, he's a count for goodness sake, and he swoons at death. And who names their kid Roland? It's like a fat joke waiting to happen. Especially if he likes rolls. It's like, "Hey there Rolly Roland! How many rolls you got there? Why don'tcha count 'em for me!" Ok, so that wasn't very funny. You think of a better one. Ooh, what if he fainted and rolled down a hill? OF ROLLS!

I love children's books. Why can't all textbooks be written like children's books? Why can't all of it be a narrative? I'm gonna write a textbook one day, and it's all gonna be a narrative. In fact, I'll make it a math book, just to shake things up. It'll be about a girl named Sue who falls in love with a boy named Geometry, but in order to marry him, she must first figure out all of his rules. It will unlock the dreadful math curse that has been placed upon him. Then they'll live happily ever after, becuase they will never have to do that kind of math again! Hooray!

TANGENT.

The Great Hall gets two thumbs up for their international dinner today. That will be the first two thumbs up I've given them all semester.

I wish that skirts automatically gave you the ability to be a beautiful dancer. Or the ability to fly. Though, that may not be so good because it IS a SKIRT after all.

Glee is officially my favorite show. The end.

Can I never write another paper again? I would prefer this. Papers are really, really gross. Or, could I just write papers like a storybook or a blog? I would also prefer this. But then I may not like writing stories and blogging so much.

I want a dog. And I want all crybaby boys to drop off the side of the mountain, for mine and Diana's sake. Maybe not die, just be ugly enough so that nobody else will ever want to date them. Or at least not for a few years. Ok, actually, I just want them to become butt ugly for a couple years until they are mature enough to date someone and stay faithful--then they can have a girlfriend.

Oh my.

Sond of the day: Anything off the Glee soundtrack. Thanks, roommate.

Word of the day: class schedule.

I think figuring out classes next semester is a ridiculous process. I just spent at least two hours trying to map things out, and even then I had to change stuff around when I saw what was actually being offered. Being an education major is daaaag nasty.

So there's this little girl in my kindergarten class, Caroline, who says "totally" all the time. Like, today, she was telling me, "I don't wanna do this. I'm totally tired!" and I'm like, "You're five! Tired is MY job! You can take a nap later!"

And I was really disoriented because there was a parent in the room. It was really awkward at first because I didn't know how much to let her do, but then she started talking to me, and apparently she had gone to covenant too, and there was all this cool stuff that we could talk about. And her daughter is precious. I take that back. ALL those children are precious.

Unfortunately, I didn't get a special snack today. And my teacher made me late for chapel.

Ok, so Lisa's watching Underworld, and I'm not watching, but I hear a lot of intense music and squishy bloody sounds. Yuck. And she's wearing a hat.

New Moon is still addictive the fourth time around.

None of my classes today were particularly interesting, and I find that really sad.

I missed my night class, too, which was not my fault. Laurel said it was optional, and I hope she's right, or I'm toast. Not really. That teacher's pretty cool.

They had REALLY sweet ice cream sundaes in in the great hall today!! HUZZAH!

I need to call Nathan back, but I don't want to. I don't want to do anything. Is that a problem?

Nap. That's what I want to do. And eat. All the time. Arrange this for me please. Can this be a class? Can I take it with Hallstrom? She's so intense about Acting class I'm sure she'd be intense about this....

Single men. There are a lot of them in the world. Very few are worth it. The ones that are, are very difficult to attain. This is why I'm going to marry Ryan Reynolds.

Christina needs to go ahead and teach me how to knit.

Today I did not look so good. The brown shirt made me look like there's more to love here than there should be. This is disconcerting. Disconcerting is one of my favorite words. I should use it more often.

Song of the day: Defying Gravity. I wanna fly on a broom too!

Word of the weekend: cousin. She was here allll weekend.

I'm real tired. Why is it that you catch up on one night's sleep and then lose it again the next night? I'm losin this game!

Performance project: success. TIPS paper: success. Laura: success. I dominate.

First drive-in movie experience was this Friday. Couples Retreat and Wild Things. The whole time, Grace was probably going "Uuuuuuuuuuumm...who are these people???" At least we didn't make a pile as was suggested. Then she mighta felt a little more awkward. Lisa's car battery died, which was flipping hilarious. We had to get it charged twice, because the second time it died in the middle of the road out in the boonies of northern Georgia. At midnight. At the beginning of Halloween. I was sure we were going to get raped by a bear.

A TIPS paper is not the first thing I want to do on a Saturday morning. But I did. I'm so responsible.

Note to self: the safety and security office is closed on Saturdays. Unfortunately, Covenant gives tickets for everything. Actually, everywhere gives tickets for everything. I have gotten three parking tickets in the last two weeks in three different places. And nobody warns you! What's up wit dat?

Cloudland Canyon is the most beautiful place ever. Well, maybe not ever, but it's really really pretty. And it has a million bajillion stairs. Going down-no problem. Going up-ouchie calves. It was so worth it. Grace and I took a buttload of pictures even though it was overcast. I like the woods a lot. I want to move into a treehouse. Now. But without any bugs. A de-bugged treehouse. Yes please. Grace wears flip-flops everywhere, and I kept telling her not to die because I thought she would slip in those ridiculous shoes! Geez!

Halloween=successful. I was a freaky-gypsy-fortune-teller-lady-thing. I had a slip on my head. We went out to eat in our costumes, and since Alyssa was a spy, every time we crossed the road, she darted across while spouting off the mission impossible theme song. We were the only people at our restaurant, and Kait wanted to eat everyone's pickle. The dance party was ridick-cheney. After about an hour, the windows in the dance room were dewed with human sweat. And every time the guys raised their arms in unison, I could smell--well, you know....But there were candy and soft drinks and it was delicious. And I stole some candy.

Hot Fuzz is a funny movie. It makes me want to be British.

The lady I met in Sunday School last week remembered me and Sarah! I was so happy! I want to adopt her! Speaking of adopting, our hall adopted the widow whose house we worked on last Saturday morning for Love Chattanooga. Her name is Miss Ruth, and her husband only died about a month ago. She was presh, and I want to see more of her.

I really, really like my church. New City is awesome.

I haven't done my devotion time for a few days now, and I'm feelin a little dry. Memorizing Psalm 34 was definitely a good idea.

I don't think I'm ever gonna finish this MTW application. It's rull big.

I had the strangest dream last night. There was a giant lady, and she was collecting small people to put in a hotel for her to keep until she decided what to do with us. I was collected, and I was really mad that she simply picked me up and took me without letting me pack more clothes. She put us all in a hotel and wouldn't let us leave. Thank goodness it was a nice hotel. But then I discovered that Liz had been captured too, and she was waiting on the lady to find Dusty too. I decided to be friendly to Liz instead of mean. She was wearing a Disney Princess outfit, crown and all. And she was pregnant, but there was no father. I saw a picture in her wallet. It was a picture that I had originally thought was of me and Dusty, but somehow she was squished in the middle and his arms were around her and I thought "Oh! He was cheating on me!" Then the big lady told us we could go for a swim, so Liz and I went to the pool, stripped down to our underwear, and jumped in. And I really wanted her crown.

I haven't watched Tuck Everlasting in a long time. Why do I like that movie so much? Oh yeah, because I would love to live in that house with that pretty boy in those woods. Forever. Woohoo!

Song of the day: You're Beautiful