Christmas. Bible. Presents. Cone of Silence Umbrella. Pocket Bible. Eggnog. Youtube. Mimi. Hibachi. Cake. Bible Scattegories. Transformers 2. Scarf. Snuggie. Awesome Dusty and Liz jokes. Sister. Bed.

Word of the day: Christmas. Well, that's what it is, but only five minutes into. It doesn't really count. So word of the day should be: shopping.

This week has just been a blur. I did some stuff.

I just came back from Franklin Christmas.

I think the hightlight of my day was when me, my brother (Mr. Stoic) and my sister were all jammin in the car...and by jammin, I mean dancing so hard that I could hardly drive. Um, not safe. I don't care.

We went to the mall today, and I promise, we went to six different stores trying to find Daniel some cologne. Six. He is a picky monster. But, the reason we went was that neither of them had bought me Christmas presents yet. Ridiculous.

I feel so fat. I have made eggnog three times since I've been home, I've eaten toffee and cookies and pie and candy and mini pizzas. Last night, we went to Texas Roadhouse for Daniel's birthday. We only go there for the rolls.

OOH! Haircut! I love those!

I also enjoy Hibachi. Had some a couple days ago with Sarah and Rachel, stuffed my face off, and I'm gonna have more tomorrow. Or today. Whatever. It's the love family tradition. We get tired of all that Thanksgiving-type food, so we go out for Hibachi on Christmas, been doin it for years.

I got a shirt today. It was supposed to be a stocking stuffer. Long story short, it says "Self-rescuing princess". My father knows me well.

Speaking of princesses...I went to see Princess and the Frog this week. SUPER CUTE. The more I think about it too, the more I like it. Music: excellent. Animation: beautiful. Storyline: well, I would've liked a little more princess, but whatever. Love story: HEART MELT. Well, the story between Ray and Evangeline definitely made me tear up (geez, I feel like an overemotional mother), and when Naveen made a ring for Tiana and was going to propose...aaaah! I do believe that's the first proposal ever in a princess movie. Well, almost proposal. Anyway, I just very much enjoyed it altogether as a cute feel-gooder.

I made Christmas cookies with my mom last night. Jammies, apron, rolling pin. I mean, mom may be really annoying at times, but we had fun and it was cute.

I love the fact that Morgan came over to spend the night, and we spent hours on youtubemostly watching cat videos and drinking sparkling grape juice.

I'm just going to throw out there how much I hate Sevier County. I love my family, I love my friends, I love my church, and I love the buildings here. But the whole culture of Sevier County... *shiver* We are a redneck county. The Heltons were a generic redneck family---ALL of them live in Sevier County, and I'm not ever joking. So now every time I just want to go to Walmart or somewhere, I get real paranoid I'm going to run into one of them, or one of their friends, or one of Dusty's friends....yuck.

At least he didn't pull anything this week. The church theory has yet to be fully tested when I actually get to go back to Evergreen on a Sunday, but other than that, he hasn't caused me any trouble. Well, at least not on his own. I'm teaching myself not to look at his facebook, which is helpful. The first few days, I was frustrated, but I vented it all into microsoft word, in a document I pretend that he will see today, but he really never will. And it helps to have Morgan here to remind me WHY I leave him blocked and send him nothing. Yes, I would still like my "final conversation" or my closure or whatever, because I still don't feel like I have it, but the way things are right now, it doesn't look like it will come from him. And it's about time I stopped looking at his facebook, because things are getting real ooey-gooey between him and Mrs. Buttface....I'm STILL wondering why that has lasted this long, and how long it will continue. I mean, I still want my "I'm sorry, here's how I'm going to change." And then have him never speak to either one of us again, drop Chattanooga and start going to Walter State, but God's in control and not me...which is probably a good thing.

And this summer....I have NO idea what's going to happen...MTW said no to both Ireland and Ukraine. They still have to look at Greece, but at this point I'm kind of expecting a no on that too. *Sigh* I really do think I'm supposed to go overseas this summer, but the whole "where" deal is still up in the air.

So. In a few hours I will wake up and it will be Christmas. Really? It doesn't feel like it. Weird.

Song of the day: Replay, cuz that's what me and the sibs jammed to.

Word of the day: scrapbooking. I've done at least six pages today, officially making me a beast.

First few days at home have felt longer than a few days. They kind of drag, actually. I gotta keep myself busy. And I need to get out of this house more than once a day.

I think my daddy is ridiculously excited that I've become more interested in photography. However, I will never be quite like him. I'm not into the technical mumbo jumbo, I just like pretty pictures that are nice to look at. We spent like two hours juicing up some of my fall pics and he looked like a kid on Christmas. I think he's just dying to get me a new camera for my birthday...but hey, if I can connect to my dad, this is a good thing. We also bond over coffee, though mine has about three more cups of sugar in it.

Beaulah gots a new stereo now! We took her to this kind of sketchy little place that had pictures of almost naked inside...but hey, at least now I can listen to my ipod in the car.

I made eggnog almost all by myself! Eggnog is pretty much the reason Christmas exists. And not the store bought, Weigels stuff. I'm talking creamy, sweet, delicious, pretty-much-the-embodiment-of-everything-secular-in-Christmas wonderful in a cup.

My sister and I have yet to have a Christmas dance party. And I need to make a gingerbread house, but Morgan is sick :/

OOH! Usher's on TV! But he isn't rapping...

Joel's 21st was on Thursday night. Fillet Mignon? Yes, please. I also enjoy laughing so hard I can't breathe. I accidentally called a guy I didn't know thirty and eww. On the contrary, he was twenty-six and attractive. I misjudge men who are bald with goatees.

We had family movie night on Friday. Julie & Julia is a super-cute movie. I just really really like Amy Adams and Meryl Streep.

I think that was the first night my family has ever collectively gotten Chinese takeout for dinner.

AAAHHHH JUSTIN BEIBER IS ON TV!!! Dude, he sounds like a little black kid.

Commercial: "Do you dream in chocolate?"

Laura: "Yes."

If I go too much longer without my hall at nighttime, I WILL go crazy. My family is made up of people who go to bed ridiculously early. And by ridiculously early, I mean 11:00.

Sarah Beagan's mother-daughter Christmas party was real cute. I always forget how much I like Sarah Beagan. And how much I like watching my mom play bingo and catchphrase. And eating LOTS of food, which is pretty much what this whole season is about. Yes. Food and eggnog.

This morning I had to skip church to go into training at Bath and Body Works, and I was not pleased. I mean, it wasn't bad, but I would've liked to do it after church, because I love church. I tell you what, that job is more complicated than it would seem. By the time I finish, my head will be buzzing over products and promotions and I will have a strong sense of rejection.

I got both of my siblings into Glee. Audrey and I definitely watched the last two episodes yesterday, and more the day before. Daniel wanted to watch them today, but I made him go do it on his own. I can only take so much of Will leaving his wife and Finn beating up Puck..

I wish that out of sight really meant out of mind. There's a reason I hate sitting around the house.

Song of the day: Hey by Mitchell Musso

Ok, ok, don't be hatin' on me cuz it's only been a day...my blog, not yours. If you're bein rebellious, just read the one before this and skip this one.

I had a thoughtful car ride, and this one is for my own benefit, kind of.

So, I have this friend named Mitch. I doubt he's keeping up with my blog, so I'm not really worried. I've only spent time with him twice in my life, but since then I've still thought about him a lot and he's kind of stuck with me. Mitch is gay. Not to say that I don't have other gay friends, but he's the only one I've ever really talked to about it. At Governor's School, I watched him get hurt over a guy, and it really broke my heart to watch. Mitch was also raised a Christian and has since rejected the beliefs. And he's a big advocate for gay rights.

Because of him, I've been a lot more interested in figuring out exactly what my views are on the whole subject, homosexuality and Christianity. Almost hungry for information, actually. It's kind of funny, too, because even though I've learned so much since then, I still feel like I don't know enough, and maybe that's just because I've never proclaimed myself gay and athiest.

I've found it so hard to watch those who live without Christ and those who make fun of Him. It isn't just Mitch and his friends, obviously there are others. Just walk off of Covenant campus lol. But you almost want to ask them--exactly how full do you feel? People who fill their lives with stuff that isn't Jesus will tell you they feel full. Some of them do feel that way. But no one can really understand the fullness that Jesus gives without experiencing it. There's something about his wonderful, beautiful, and irresistable grace that is, well, irresistable.

It's not a party high, it's not a night of laughter, it's not a cigarette, which all, shortly after they're over, can leave you unsatisfied. It's not another person, who can let you down. It's not one of those things that, eventually, leaves you feeling more empty than you did when you started. Yes, it's a craving, but not one out of addiction or need. It's one of those things that, if you do it right, will never, ever leave you feeling empty. You always have someone to lean back on. You always have a purpose. You never have a moment when someone doesn't care for you, even if no human does.

And you can talk facts all day, depending on what scholar you study, your own conclusions--bla bla bla. People will argue back and forth until the stars fall down. Truth is, even if every single word in the Bible were backed up by concrete proof, even if we could travel back in time and see it all happen, even if Jesus came back RIGHT NOW and showed everyone He was God, those arguments would still exist.

Truth is, the Bible is the most accurate historical document out there. Truth is, Jesus was a real person, He really died, and He really did rise from the dead, even though skeptics want to go out on every possible limb they can to say He didn't. Truth is, Christianity is different from every other religion on the planet. It is not motivated by fear, obligation, or desire for power. True Christianity is motivated by love. What's better than that???

It's not a fairytale. People who read parts of it out of context will want to call it one, but the smart ones who study the background in depth, who understand the literature, who have the proper standing to argue it, will take it seriously. And those who really believe it and live by it will be the most incredible people you will ever meet.

Problem is, a lot of people who claim to live by it don't. Here's where we come into the homosexuality part. Yes, the Bible does say it's wrong. There is no question about that, no way to get around it if studying the texts properly--it says it, the end. It also says gluttony is wrong, alcoholism is wrong, premarital sex is wrong, and dancing naked around an idol is wrong. So if it says so many things are wrong, why is it that Christians treat homosexuality like a disease? It's not! Some will tell fags they are going to hell and others will try to "cure" them, and neither of these is right!

Some people are pre-dispositioned towards different kinds of sin. Some were born to be morally looser than others, some wanna eat too much, and some are natural alcoholics. It's the way they were created. It's not fair, it makes life harder for them, but that's the way it is.

Our society lifts up loving another person, finding one's soulmate, as the epitomy of life. The whole point of life is finding a life companion! But this is such a skewed view. Even after marriage, a lot of people don't feel full. Don't get me wrong--I want to get married as much as the next girl--but if I don't, my life will still be full of meaning. And the thing about getting married is that, no matter what, that person can and will leave you unsatisfied, even if they stay til death do you part. So people yell at Christians saying that it isn't fair for homosexuals to not be able to get married and have a life partner while heterosexuals can. Excuse me? Fair? When has life ever been fair?

See here's the thing. Life is not fair for a reason. The harder one's life is, the closer one can draw to God. It is a glorious opportunity. Some people speculate that Paul's "thorn" that he spoke about may have been a homosexual orientation because it never left and Paul was celibate his whole life. Who knows. But where you can't find your happiness on earth, you must find it in God, and the more happiness you find in God--actually, you should be finding joy--the more wonderful life will be, with or without a partner.

So, point is, Christian + homosexual? Yes, it can work. Christian + homosexual + partner? No, that can't work.

Homosexuality is not a disease, it's another sinful person that needs to be loved, just as everyone is. Christianity is not a set of rules and regulations based on a book of stories, it's this real, wonderful God that wants to love you and be loved in return.

There are so many people out there that need to know that in this broken world.

Sometimes I wish I wasn't so scared to speak out in truth, because I don't want people to disrespect my Jesus. But then again, Jesus can take care of Himself.

Word of the day: study. Which is what I should be doing right now.

Yes, I know it's only been two days. Don't worry about it.

Dude, my fingers are real cold. You know how when your fingers are cold they get all swolly? Well, that's how it feels. My fingers are basketballs.

There is SO MUCH FOOD in here!!!!!

Why?

Ok, so Monday was my last day with my kindergartners before Christmas--sad day. My favorite part of every time I go in is when the kids turn around to see who's coming in, they see me, and then they smile. I tell you what, you want an ego booster, work with kids. It's great. Oh yeah, and then there's the food. For Christmas, I got a whole bag full of food....in my defense, there was one healthy thing in there, and orange. What's with Christmas and oranges? I'm also trying to understand the difference between little girls tackling boys and teenage girls trying to rip of the Jonas Brothers' shirts. I mean, it's basically the same thing, they're just ten years older...

I love it when you think you know how much work you have to do, and then you find out you have way more than that to do.

My roommate's sick, and it's real funny. She sounds like a cranky 80-year-old woman. And she won't put diaper rash cream on her nose like I told her to.

You know those times when you feel like you've eaten so much you look like a sumo wrestler? I kind of feel like that.

I was in my room all day until 2. Well, except for when I went to meet my math buddies for lunch and they ditched me :p Lunch? Chips, an orange (my Christmas orange!), and a snickers cuz I'm RULL healthy. Don't worry, I had peas at dinner....

Studying is, like, the worst. I hate reading the same stuff over and over and, when I get to the test, discovering that my studying didn't cover everything...or covered a lot more than everything...

Barb (well, her real name is Barbara, but I like to call her Barb) from MTW is keeping in contact with me. It looks like I will probably be going overseas this summer, but the question is where--if it will be Ukraine, Ireland, or Greece, or somewhere else. All so exciting!

I miss Matt. Maybe because I really miss having a tall male to hug.

So, it almost made my day when my sister sent me Justin Bieber's song "One Time" as a ringtone, I've set it as my ringtone and have my phone volume up.

However, my day was made even more better when I found out that Greasy isn't coming back to campus at all! He's skipping all of his exams, aka he FAILED all his classes, and has to pay a $50 fine for not signing out. Basically, he snuck off campus without telling anybody. And wasted over $17,500. Any girl that bring herself to date a guy who's that much of a loser is rull dumb...when we were dating, I was the thing that kept him motivated. Now he's kind of lost and wasting his life away watching movies and being gross. Lovely. The guy who posts Jesus lyrics on his facebook hates Covenant College...interesting....

All to say, THE CAMPUS IS OFFICIALLY DE-GREASED!!!

Hey, the only exam have left to take is CHOW!

To make up for ditching me, Amy and Christina blindfolded me, kidnapped me, and took me to Starbucks. Amy got me a drink and the guy behind the counter gave us a whole loaf of marble cake! Huzzah! And, well, the RA of Lawrence is kinda cute...*um* anyway, Christina and Amy are wonderful, wonderful friends!!! I LOVE YOU!

Then, the hall tried to go to Rock City, but Rock City closes at nine. So we walked around the Chanticleer like creepers. Sadly, this means we never got to see Rock City's Jesus Claus.

Justin Bieber is a little cutie pie...

I'm ready for home. But here's the thing, I'll be at home for a week, and then I'll be like I wanna go back to Covenant! I can't stay satisfied.

Song of the day: One Time

Word of the day: root beer. One of the many things I got with the $32.40 that I had left at the Blink.

These last few days have been ridiculously lazy. Well, lazy by the standard that I've had this whole semester. Meaning the only real school work I've done were the last two of my papers and my Acting final. So my two hardest classes are OVER, almost making me feel like I don't really have finals--but I do.

Oh, wait, I still have four chapels to make up. Eww.

I finally got everything off of my ipod and onto my computer! It literally took over 1600 clicks, but it's done. All my pictures and music with a free download. Technically, the download only lets you do ten items, but I found a way around that...which is why I had to click so much.

Diana + mall = great. I people watched for the first time while eating a slice of cookie cake. It was slightly dry. People watching gets real interesting. There was one group of five, with two girls holding hands and one girl linking arms with two boys. We were VERY confused. And they might have been too....

In kindergarten, it was almost Brooke's birthday--she's gonna be six. I was telling them that that means that I am thirteen years older than them. Now they think that I am thirteen years old. Excellent. Fortunately, I didn't care much, as I was given a chocolate chip muffin with frosting on it. In the middle of one reading group, I overheard Isaac telling Mrs. Cook that his socks were bothering him (I'm pretty sure this kid has ADHD) and she said, "Don't let the socks distract you! You can't let the socks win!"--Umm, I definitely laughed to myself. I wanted to say, "YOU TELL THOSE SOCKS!!" And after listening to these kids talk, I realized that they say like, like, every three words. You aren't supposed to do that until you're like, thirteen...which I am, so I can like, do, like, whatever I want.

The Yellow Deli has awesome lamb sandwiches. And now they've put the parking lot far away, so when you park, they pick you up and shuttle you back. I got to ride in a big sketchy van that had a long seat down one side like a bus! I thought about what it would look like with a disco ball and loud music...dance party in a van! The guy driving it was a little creepy though, like most of them are...and my mother continues to preach on the evils of the Yellow Deli. I mentioned that I had lunch there, and WHILE I WAS STILL TALKING, she goes, "That's an evil place!..." and I'm pretty sure she started going on about satan...

Cleaning day gets easier every time, but it's still rather painful.

I'm so glad Acting is over. It was a good class, but real stressful. I realized why I hate practicing for it. I was in a classroom beforehand, practicing my "woods" scene, and I had just fallen, on purpose, and was pretending to be hurt. Then the door busts open, I jolt, and a guy with curly hair looks at me, says something like "excuse me" and hurriedly leaves. Then Jacob forgot a whole bunch of his lines in our scene, which was annoying. It just made things more awkward.

Disney princess vomited on my closet door, and what a wonderful vomit!

In church today, we sang "What Child is This?" and when we got to "ass", the little girl in front of us widened her eyes, made an "o" shape with her mouth, and looked up at her big brother.

Snuggies kind of look like monk robes.

In four days, Covenant campus will be officially de-greased. HALLELUJAH! Now, if he stops going to my churches, the world will all be right.

Oh yeah! I got accepted into the MTW Thrive program, but they still gotta figure out where to send me.

Dude, there is only one Sunday left before Christmas. And I'm still at this blasted school. Well, not blasted. More like blustery. It's way too cold up here, and I don't even wanna think about February yet.

I showed my dad a picture of the umbrella I wanted, and he laughed so loud I took the phone away from my ear.

Things I have to do before Christmas:
-make eggnog with mom
-have a Christmas music dance party
-see Princess and the Frog
-make a gingerbread house
-go to several Christmas parties
-and a lot of other stuff...

Ok, Laura just yelled Bible study...

Song of the day: whatever Rachel sings in her ballad on Glee...

Word of the day: cold water.

Andreas hot water broke. I tried to stand in the cold water, and it didn't work. So I had to take a washcloth sink bath while dance music played in the background. Needless to say, most awkward bathing experience of my life. (because the play-barbies-in-the-tub baths with my brother weren't awkward becuase we were so young.)

So, Sarah and I want to join New City Fellowship, maybe we'll take a new members class next semester. Last Sunday wasn't so great because Greasy and Liz randomly showed up and sat some rows in front of us....but that afternoon Morgan sent him a firm text telling him to stay away from my churches--hopefully he'll listen. Because I am NOT leaving this church.

I very much enjoy spending time with Amy Verner. I'm just gonna throw that one out there. Maybe that's just because she's an excellent TIPS partner--meaning that after we finish homework, we make dance videos on facebook...silly, silly, silly...

Andreas Open. We spent roughly 2oo hours decorating for A Christmas Carol. It was ridiculous. My roommate is one of the most dedicated decorators I've ever seen, and she's a real great director/manager type. And, since Molly is the hall mom, Lisa has to be the hall aunt. She's Aunt BAMF. The end. Anyway, we all dressed up as characters from A Christmas Carol. I was Jacob Marley, in baby powder, ridiculous eye makeup, baby powder, a scarf around my head, and a snuggie. I was pretty much the scariest thing I've ever encountered. And I got to jump out in from behind a door that had my face on it, rattle my paper chains at them, and make them want to pee their pants. Unfortunately, we only got second place.

Right now, there is a ladybug on the fan. Lisa is trying to get him to fly off of it by turning the fan all the way up. Here is how the conversation is going:

Lisa: Fight the good fight buddy!

Laura: But you're the one putting him through this!

Lisa: That which shall not kill him shall make him stronger. FLYY!! FACE YOUR FEARS!!!...Hey, it's fun when you talk into the fan.

I love random hall screaming/jumping/smashing boxes up sessions.

My roommate is a prostitute.

Nobody got any sleep on Monday night. That's a lie, I got a little bit, but Lisa never came back to the room.

Tuesday was nothing but TIPS. Well, until 10:00, and then we watched Elf. One of my absolute favorite movies.

Um, we just had an awesome random dance party. We haven't done that in months! Circle of Life, baby!

Um, I think everyone on this hall is a prostitute. Oh my.

So, today just felt really great. One of the things I have been discovering so deeply these past few months..well, since July 22nd, actually--six days after I found out that the guy who had been my boyfriend three weeks before was now dating the one girl I couldn't stand...life is beautiful. I see it more everyday. The deeper the ache the greater the beauty. My life is ridiculously blessed, and no matter how bad of a day I'm having, I can always find things that are beautiful.

Even though a lot of the people here are really weird and some are stuck up, I wouldn't trade my experience at Covenant for any other place in the world. I am learning so much every day, and I have professors who care and WANT me to learn. For goodness sake, I get to have Bible study and tea once a month at Dr. Haddad's house! How many people can say they can do stuff like that with their professors? And even though I kind of HATE doing homework, I can't say I haven't appreciated it. That, and there are some amazing people here, most distinctly the girls on my hall. I know we get on each other's nerves sometimes, and sometimes we're bitches, and sometimes we just don't get along--but we're kind of a family, a lil bit. And I have the best RA on campus, just sayin.

Knowing God is an awesome book.

Um, ew. Diana just came in with a plate that's covered in green and red, in the healthy way.

IT'S TIME FOR GLEE!!!!

Song of the day: Rockin Around the Christmas Tree

Word of the day: Cap'n Crunch. Because I do love him so.

But seriously. TIPS class has eaten my week. And it will eat me up until Tuesday, and then I'm done with it FOREVER.

My parents washed my car on Sunday without even telling me they were going to do it first. I look out the window, and there they are out there with sponges and a bucket. That is a true expression of love. Speaking of parents and expressions of love, my parents reminded me of a high school couple most of the time I was home. I was like, "Is it just me, or did you guys fall more in love when I left??" It was kind of gross, actually. But I was slightly jealous--I want that kind of marriage when I'm an oldie.

Coming home from break is so wonderful. Everyone was excited, and I got to introduce all to Jacob. He was approving.

I pretty much spent my week doing schoolwork, or that's how it felt.

P.S. I Love You makes me cry. Every time. Like four times. Ugh. I have a love-hate relationship with that movie. It was especially weird watching it while typing up TIPS notes with Amy.

I am a beast in coffee shops. Four pages in Starbucks? YEAH! That's a page more an hour than I do in my dorm room. Plus, I saw Juan Moreno, a counselor from Governor's School. I haven't seen him since 2006, and he remembered me! I'm not sure he remembered my name, but he at least remembered me and came up and gave me a hug. He was buying Where the Wild Things are ornaments for his kindergarten class :) Super cute.

Speaking of kindergartners and how wonderful they are, one of these days I'm going to adopt all of my kindgartners and take them all home with me. That is a lie. I will adopt a select few. Not the ones whose noses run too much or who refuse to sit still. My Friday was made by Rebecca. She asked me to look at how well she did on her activity, so I gave her a "That's AWESOME" face and she made it back at me. Lisa was proud. And, on Monday, I was looking over Isaac's shoulder at his work, and in the middle of saying something along the lines of, "go away" he looked up and went, "You have BIG teeth!" I said "Thanks?" The next question was funny too, though I can't remember if it was him asking why they were so big or if he was asking if they were real.

I made eye contact with Greasy on the only day he was on campus this week. We kind of almost ran into each other again...and that's the first time we've made eye contact in like a month. Ugh. Those stupid blue eyes. And he stalked me at my church on Sunday...again. I'm wondering how long he'll keep that up until he stops coming altogether. Because it is slightly coincidental that he only shows up on Sundays that I'm there. And that he tried to act happier than he ever did in church even when we were dating. It was only slightly fake.

Next semester is almost here. Thank goodness.

I had my Ukraine internship interview on Thursday in the midst of making my TIPS notebook. The lady was an absolute sweetheart, though she was frank in telling me she wasn't sure if she was going to tell me yes or no. The conversation got really deep--though it's supposed to. I realized just how much I need an accountability partner and that there are definitely problems in my relationship with God--a lot more than there should be. Guilt, compromise, bitterness, resentment, the works. I really want to revamp. God's been working on my heart more since the Casting Crowns concert.

We went to see The Fantastic Mr. Fox on Friday. It was FANTASTIC. Definitely worth the money. There are so many great movies coming out this Christmas, I want to get a temporary boyfriend to take me to all of them because I don't have the money for that many movie tickets. I'll dump him when we've seen all of them.

It snowed last night!!!

I got really sick to my stomach last night too, so I stayed in the bathroom just in case I threw up. That's the first time I've ever found myself curled up next to a toilet in a towel and disney princess blanket, shaking violently and reading Eclipse.

We listened to so much Christmas music today, and it was WONDERFUL!

Jacob Corbett is not a good acting partner. Unreliable and rude. Well, not extremely. But he ditched me for the practice time HE arranged. He told me he was going to do a Southern accent, so I practiced one. Then he suddenly didn't do one, so now I have to re-practice. He didn't memorize all his lines, so our last class performance was awkward because I had to pick up the slack where he forgot, and he didn't take the blame for how it went. I just hope it ends up ok. And that he shows up in Sanderson tomorrow night.

I don't want to write any more papers this semester. I don't know if I have it in me anymore. End of the year tally:

CHOW: 3 papers
DOCTRINE: 2 papers
TECS: 13 papers
ACTING: 12 papers
TIPS: 6 papers

TOTAL: 36 papers

Not to mention all the projects that also required writing.

And my MTW application, and I hope that counts.

I need to exercise.....after Christmas.

I bought cereal today!

I am SO ready to go home for a month.

Song of the day: Santa Baby (which is too slutty for Kait)

Word of the day: mismatched socks. Ok, two words. Whatever. I'm looking at my socks right now.

I have had Santa Baby stuck in my head since Thursday night. It is so hard to fall asleep to that song, especially when it's usually only one stanza. "Think of all the fun of missed...think of all the fellows that I haven't kissed..."

I feel like I'm always hungry. Why is this?

Today, I was telling Audrey and Daniel that I went to see the Nutcracker performed by a local dance school last year, one that's happening again today. They asked why. I said because Elizabeth had been in it and Dusty had wanted to go. Daniel says, "Oh, I didn't know they had fat ballerinas." Awful, terrible, mean comment, but it kind of made my day.

I worked fourteen hours in the last two days at Bath and Body Works. The first shift--11-4--not so bad. Just by the end of it I was so out of it I was talking like a 4-year-old. Then Morgan and I slept straight til our next shift. After the store closed, we were there until 3:30 in the effin morning. Someone thought it would be funny to order like three truckfuls of stuff to a tiny store whose back room was already full. NOT cool. I renamed the place Buff & Body Works.

I also had a dream night before last the terrorists took over the store and tortured us by giving us pedicures.

And I did something that I swore I would never do. I was one of those people who tried to get people to come into the store. I said, "Good evening, have you folks been to Bath and Body Works today?..." etc. depending on the reaction of the people. I HATE people that do that. The ones at the mall that are like, "Do you want to try some of our skin cream?" and I avert my eyes and pretend I can't see them. Yeah, I was one of those people. I felt like a hypocrite. I was one of the most annoying people I know.

You know what bugs me? Being asked the same stupid question over and over, especially when I'm just not in the mood to talk. Mom does that a lot. She wants to make conversation, so she will ask dumb questions that I've answered for her before. Like asking about food in the Great Hall. Who does that?? Here's the answer to any and all questions about the Great Hall: it's gross don't eat it if possible the end.

My whole family went to a Casting Crowns concert tonight. It was fun/interesting because it's first time we've ever been to one all together. But I feel like it would've been better with a few different things. Like my father not cursing at the cars in front of us on the way there, or the people who stood in front of our car as we tried to park. And here's the thing--I don't mind cussing, but I hate it when people use God's name in vain, and I thought it was rather ironic that MY father did it right before a CHRISTIAN concert. mmmk. And then there was mom making all the pointless conversation that I wasn't in the mood for. For example, on the way back, she was asking about Tobymac concerts I'd been to. Then she was asking how I'd gotten Casting Crowns to sign the t-shirt I was wearing at concert four years ago. Then she was asking if I could've gotten Tobymac to sign it. Then why I didn't. Then if he had had DiverseCity stuff to sign. On and on. Then when we got home, she was asking why I seemed so subdued. MOM.

Other than that, though, we had an alright time. It was Audrey's first concert, so we jumped a little. Mom jumped a little with us. I was surprised, because lately I've had a struggle listening to Christian music. Greasy posts lyrics to Christian songs on his facebook all the time, and since I know he's a complete liar when he does it, and that a lot of "Christians" are like that, I've had a hard time making myself listen to that music for the past few months. But I was singing the songs right along with them, even ones that he had posted on his profile.

And it was pretty awesome. But I'm coming face-to-face with my own sin and hypocrisy, and it's not pretty. I'm gross. I have problems.

I've also had an obssession with weight these last couple months. I know it's a sensitive topic, and I don't fully understand what my problem is. But I think it's this: ever since the breakup, I compared myself to Elizabeth in every way possible, which is a very bad, demeaning thing to do. But one thing that really stuck out was the fact that I had a better body than she did, and that was at least one thing I could assuredly claim I had over her. Now, if I feel like I'm getting fat, I freak out and I think it's because in the back of my head I'm determined to at least be more attractive than her in that aspect. Wow, I'm insecure.

And I'm hungry.

The song of the day was alread mentioned earlier.

Today is THANKSGIVNG!

And yes, I should be with my family in the other room, but I kind of felt like doing this first.

And soon, I gotta go work at Black Friday at Bath & Body Works. It's gonna be INSANE.

Now, a few words on thankfulness.

What am I most thankful for today? I would have to say singlehood. Yes, I'm about to go on another spiel about how I love being single, but hear me out. This experience has been quite incredible.

I mean, it's not like I wasn't single for most of my life, I didn't have a boyfriend til I was sixteen. But I spent the last 3 birthdays, Thanksgivings, Christmases, etc. having one, and I don't remember many of the holidays before that.

It really has been a journey. But, ever since we broke up, I feel like my eyes have been opened so much more to the beauty of everything around me. Suddenly, camp was amazing, and God was able to pour over me while I was there. I realized His goodness in my pain. I got to invest in the other counselors and kids because I didn't have to worry about giving my boyfriend a weekend of my time, making sure I talked to him every night, etc. I. ejoyed. my. time.

And then, when I was in Oregon, I was able to take in the beauty of it. Sure, nasty boy was trying to stir up trouble while I was there, but the pain he caused me was mirrored by the awesomeness of everything around me. See, we took a trip to Yellowstone back when I was 17, and I hardly remember anything except how miserable I was missing him. What a waste. This time, it was super cool, and it's a trip I'll never forget.

This school year has been amazing. I don't have to worry about going home every other weekend, or having to call him every night, or being cautious about the boys I hang out with, or worry about what he thinks of my friends....my hall is AWESOME and they are WAY cooler than any boyfriend! I can fully appreciate them too, simply because I can invest in them now!

I've gotten closer to my family. My sister was there for me when I was in pain, and now I feel like she's also a friend--not just a sister. I'm seeing that my family isn't going to be this way much longer, with both of my siblings at home and all of us being able to spend time together being silly. Today, when I was helping my mom in the kitchen, I wasn't thinking about my boyfriend coming over or having to eat dinner with his family. And after dinner was over, I didn't have to pine over him leaving. Last year, he made comments about how weird our music was (opera and classical music), and this year, Audrey and Daniel and I danced to it like heathens. I have not had to take a single moment from my family to give to him. I see my mom and dad and how much they are in love and think about the fact that I now have a chance at a marriage like that, not at one that would have been--well, years down the road--probably burned out and not full of love. And for now, I can pour so much more love and energy into them before we all grow up. I only get two more Thanksgivings like this before I graduate. Ouch.

Then, I've grown so much closer to my BFF Morgie. Greasy didn't like her because she was so perceptive, which should have been an automatic sign. She has been there for me every time I've needed her, and I can now give her more time. She's kind of like the boyfriend I visit at home lol. Tonight, we're gonna work together, and I get to spend all of tomorrow with her. In two years time, she will be married, and we won't have this anymore.

And then, I don't have to hide anything from my parents anymore. There's no more worry about how much I'm doing physically with a boy. Honestly, if we were still together at this point, I would probably be worried about getting pregnant. That's awful. For the last couple years, I pretended that we were this great, clean couple or if I admitted that we were crossing the line, I made it sound like we were trying to get better. We weren't. We said we were, but we weren't. A couple more weeks together, and I would have given him everything. Now I have the chance to start over, to give my little sister a good example, to be honest with my parents, and......get an actual surprise on my wedding night...one that would actually be pleasant...

I have the chance to get out of Sevier County. I have the chance to get amazing in-laws (or at least ones that graduated high school and went to college..and don't have adult children and their grandchildren still living with them in their double-wide). I have the opportunity to invest in a time of life that won't be here much longer. I have the freedom to choose a future I want. I have eyes to fully appreciate everything around me now. I can go to a foreign country this summer. I have the opportunity to cook cool foods and not be a fat redneck teacher with a fat redneck husband in twenty years. I have the chance to get a husband who loves everything I am. I have the chance to get cats when I grow up. I can pick different names for my future children, and I won't have to dress them in Tennessee orange. I don't have to worry about making sure that a picky boy is happy. I have a shot at a man who is smart!

God's timing is perfect. Never doubt it. He chose just the right time for everything to happen, and I don't regret spending three years of my life in that relationship because it taught me so much about what the REAL thing is. About what real faith is--not the Christian mask that he and his family wear. My life is changed for the better because of everything I went through, and even though I know it's not over, I'm pretty much at the other end of the tunnel.

So....happy Thanksgiving. I gotta get ready for work :)

Word of the day: Snuggie

I finally got mine today :) It's blue and wonderful. I'm still not sure if I want to name it Jacob or Ryan.

I'm home now. But not contemplative. I actually feel really weird.

On Sunday, we watched all 5 hours of Pride and Prejudice. Ok, I didn't watch the whole thing. I had to work on a CHOW project with Christina on medieval women mystics....strange people, they were...but I did get my fair share of non-gay Colin Firth.

Then there was a sonic trip that involved the smalled ice cream sundae ive ever had...not worth a whole dollar....and then walmart and christmas decorations. I want them. Yes, I've finally gotten into Christmas spirit. It's about time. Actually, Kohl's did it, you know, when I went shopping alone. They were playing Christmas music, and well, I couldn't help it. SO GOOD.

We didn't buy anything at walmart.

Monday was insane.

I arranged to meet Christina at 8 to work on our presentation. 8:40, I called her. I woke her up. Fail. I could've gotten another hour of sleep.

Have I ever talked about how much I love my kindergartners? Rebecca doesn't remember my name. Well, she mixes me up with other helpers..and I'm like, thanks, kid. I mention you in my blog, and you can't remember me even when I help you cut out your treasure box. I had to watch the kids during recess, and when they got bored, I arranged races for them. They had to try to get from the fence to my hand as fast as possible, doing whatever I told them to. They ran, hopped, skipped, pretended to be ice cream cones, etc. Their favorite was the cones. But who doesn't love ice cream cones?

Christina and I put on a ridiculous presentation. I was Hildegard of Bingen and she was Christina of Markyate. I was wearing Lisa's Harry Potter robe with a white scarf over my head and she was wearing an Eowyn dress. She came in reading a vision while I was singing in the background. We only got one contemptuous look from a girl who's a whore anyway, but Macallister loved it, so who cares. I totally had a vision in the middle of and said the word "womb" in front of the class.

Plus, my TECS presentation went really well. I love Autistic kids.

Snuggies get really warm really fast. Maybe I should name him Jacob.

Today, I battled with myself for two hours over whether or not I should get a flu shot. When I was finished, I didn't have time to get it. But Sarah said she would go with me if I went, so maybe I'll wait for her...

Kait can be fun to ride with in the car. We danced some, and spotted a car that we didn't really understand. Two bumper stickers--the most prominent was, "Who would Jesus bomb?" and the second was "The Episcopalian Church". Yeah. We were confused too. WWJB?

My dog was really excited to see me.

It's weird that when I talk to my grandfather on the phone, I get to say "Hey Dick!"

I got inside my house, and the first thing I saw was my snuggie. Not my mom, not my brother, but my brand-new snuggie box with the ecstatic blonde lady on the front. The blanket with sleeves. One size fits all-for adults. For work and play. Leaves hands free! I greedily grabbed the box. Daniel got the scissors. When I had wrestled it free, Daniel snatched it. Then he did a horrendous thing...he took MY snuggie's virginity! Yes, he was the first to wear my snuggie. >:( He shall PAY.

Mom has this way of keeping me talking while I'm trying to eat.

Then, dad had to show me all of his prints. There's this picture of me and Audrey skipping on the beach that I'm going to steal.

Mom and Dad told me their engagement story for the first time today. It wasn't very exciting (except for dad telling me they made out---ew.), but after he proposed, he did yell, "She said yes!!" to a bunch of the cars he passed driving home.

Daniel was trying to tell me stories about babysitting and working at Rainforest Adventures, but all I could think was, "Wow. His teeth look at lot like Robert Pattinson's." My brother is a vampire.

Audrey has a Jacob cup and a Jacob shirt. And she hasn't even read New Moon. I'm going to kill her and marry Jacob.

This snuggie is way too warm.

My father just turned "lmao" into "laughing my anus open." *sigh*. Gynecologists.

Song of the day: Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree.

Word of the day: cocoa pebbles. OM NOM NOM.

Guys, a lot has happened in the last few days. I haven't blogged since TUESDAY. Meaning I've actually done something interesting with my life.

I've slept til 12 or so the last four days. I'm a freakin bum.

So I made a list last spring called my diploma list. Actually, it was a marriage list, but the prospective groom has since been kicked out of the picture. So, a diploma list. Here it is:
-be a camp counselor (DONE!!)
-go skinny dipping/streaking
-learn Russian (if applicable)
-be on the Covenant College stage (DONE!!)
-finish my book
-go on a road trip with friends (DONE!!)
-go horseback riding (kind of done...)
-sing a solo or duet on stage
-be in a play
-take every trail at covenant
-go to a foreign country for an extended period of time
-learn a hip-hop dance

So what was the point of me telling you all that? I got on the covenant college stage this week! Balcony ran out of people for Founder's Skit Night, and I helped out. I was a princess with a sword :)

The end of New Moon makes girls cry. Well, we came out wailing. Lisa, Diana, Lydia, Molly, Kait, and I went to see the midnight premier...oh man. We went to starbucks first and me and Diana both got venti frapps....needless to say, I sounded like a twelve year old fangirl the rest of the night. Taylor Lautner is the most gorgeous creature on this earth. Ryan Reynolds is nice, but, well, Taylor....Ok, so the movie probably wouldn't have been that good from the perspective of someone who isn't really familiar with the books, but I LOVED IT. You can ask Diana. I was cuddling with her pretty much the whole time. I am now Team Jacob, and it's not just because Taylor is pretty.

So we went to bed really late that night.

None of my disney dvds are working in my computer except for the Lion King, and I'm just a little bit angry about it.

I like small group at Dr. Haddad's house a lot. She makes tea and she's British and really nice and I just really, really like being in a house. Pointing out places in our lives that are full of sin isn't quite so nice. I feel really dirty now.

I'm going to interject here. Matt Trask is one of my favorite people in the world. I talk about him in a way that makes me sound like I'm in love with him, but this is not the case. He's kind of my Jacob Black. He's way too young for me, and he was totally there for me all summer. Kind of like a little brother, but better. Matt was the guy I went to right after it all happened. He stayed up with me until 3:00 am, going to Wal-mart, having a dance party in the parking lot, sitting in a bus, making sure that by the time I went to bed I would go straight to sleep. He was the guy who was there to hug me whenever I needed it. When I was having the most frustratin day of my whole summer, he was the guy who ran down the road with me screaming like an idiot. He was the guy who spent a ridiculous amount of money on disness princess stuff to make sure I had an awesome birthday. He's fifteen. He's tall. One day, he's going to be an amazing man.

A Man Born to Be King is a very short play. At least, Covenant College's version is.

Monty Python is dirty but hilarious. I saw far too many breasts in one night due to The Meaning of Life. They never did show the gratuitous penises though.

I went shopping by myself today. It was weird and I felt really insecure. I'm a worse driver when I'm alone. And UTC plays are weird. I came out of ANONymous going uuuummm...???

So sometimes I really want a boyfriend. But then I think about all the time I have now, which is very little, and how much I would have to dedicate to a boy, and how much sexual tension there would be since I couldn't think about getting married for a couple years, and how much I would miss out on if I had a boy, and how awkward dating a Covenant guy would be. After going through all this, I end up decided that I do not want a boy right now. Or ever. Actually, I would prefer a man. Maybe Taylor Lautner when he's 20....

Song of the day, or the week: Best Days of Your Life by Kelli Picker. I love, love, love this song, and I wanna send it to Greasy and shove it down his unclean throat.

Word of the day: dead.

Promising, right?

It was foggy today. And disgusting. And I wore a black shirt with a black raincoat and a black notebook. Lovely. I was just miss cheerful today.

We talked about dating in RUF. I don't even know anymore.

But I got to knit, so it was ok.

TIPS = gender roles. I like them well enough. I'm a girl and I'm proud of it. There is confidence in my femininity.

I drink too much coffee.

I wrote a five-page paper in four hours. It would have been faster if I wasn't so meticulous.

RA appreciation battleball tournament = excellent idea. Molly is my favorite RA ever, and that's no lie. I love her so amazingly freakishly much. Because....she's Molly. There's no way to describe Molly, ever. Unless you wanna say she's rull great. But really, she's better than that.

So....death. Morgan's grammaw died yesterday, and she watched her die. Morgan is heartbroken, and I know this. I hate it. I've heard so many people talk about comforting those who lost somebody, but I'm still like, umm, I love you and I wish I could be there to hug you...? I mean, how would I feel if someone close to me died?

Then I found out tonight that Leah Avril got shot. I don't know her, but I know people who know her. Greasy had a picture of them together in his room, and now it's his profile pic.

Weird.

I'm fasting until Thanksgiving with Sarah and Carly, just fried foods and sweets. No Gigi's, please.

My hands are cold.

Song of the day: Do You Remember?

Word of the day: food. food, food, food.

Too bad the holidays are almost here.

I love spending time in Winchester. In fact, that's what I did this weekend! My grandaddy is this sweet, adorable old man and I like doing stuff with him, like eating, even if he doesn't say much. Or hear much. And that's ok. Then there's Rachel and Jenny, who are eight and four...? I don't have a favorite (like MOM does because she's convinced that Jenny's named after her), so I just try to play with both equally. They love me. And my camera. Rachel made me pick my favorite fairies out of her book and we shared an ipod in the car, listening to disney music. Jenny made me pretend that she was my dance instructor, and she taught me all about shapes. And then there's the baby turtles. And then there's Jonanne's wonderful healthy food, which, once you've had all of your double portion, isn't so healthy anymore. And then there's the really comfy bed. And then there's the woods. And then there's Hammer's store where you can buy clothes for not as much money. And then there's just being there and it's all great. The end. My weekend was excellent. And fat.

Problem: coming back to homework up to your eyeballs. We had a progressive dinner + dance party when I got back, so I really didn't do a whole lot til like nine. Then I still didn't do a whole lot. I did most of it this afternoon and had to skip a class to do it. Not a bad idea.

Today, I suddenly felt like I belonged in acting class. Mitch automatically assumed that I was auditioning for the next play and got onto me for not doing it. And he was just all around being nice to me today. I did a good job on my monologue. And after, Jacob Corbett asked me if I wanted to do the Crimes of the Heart scene with him, and I had been stressing about finding someone to do it with. I mean, it IS Jacob Corbett, but still. I was like this is wonderful...to be one of the acting kids, but not be weird...ok, well maybe not drama person weird...

AND I made a 96 on my Doctrine test! That's far better than the previous C! I was so excited...Stewart was talking about aliens today. Not really. He was talking about the humanity of Christ. But he said something about aliens, and that's all I remember.

I have a favorite kindergartner, and it makes me feel bad. But Cade is cute, and he listens, and he is an awesome artist.

Matt Trask is my Jacob Black.

Greasy didn't do anything this weekend to bother me, and it was wonderful. But I'm getting really tired of this whole parking-in-Sanderson-accumulating-tickets-but-not-having-any-consequences-thing. Technically, after two tickets, and maybe even a couple more, you're supposed to get a boot. Where is the boot?? Boot her car away!

I don't even want to think about all the work that's due in the next two weeks and the rest of my life. And the internship application that SHOULD be finished by now.

Have you ever elfed yourself? It's super hilarious.

I am annoyed by rude people, but I suppose this is normal.

My roommate is going to bed. I should too.

I DO NOT smell good.

Song of the day: Walking on Sunshine. Lydia and I definitely sang that on the way out of the Great Hall.

Word of the day: dearth. I just learned this new word, and I want to use it frequently, but I am somewhat unsure of it's meaning. I think it means none, because it was used in the context of "a dearth of dads", when the kid really didn't have any.

I have a dearth of free time in the next two months. Did I use this correctly?

I'm getting close to the end of the scarf, making me pretty much a knitting machine.

I have had a dearth of workouts this week. But plenty of coffee, and soon my teeth will be stained like a Brit's.

Piano music is very relaxing. Sleeping in is too, and I've done that three times.

My mommy bought me a snuggie this week!! Unfortunately, I do not have it in my possession right now, meaning that I have a dearth of snuggies until Thanksgiving Break. Which is way too far away.

Homework due next week? I really don't want to think about it. Pretty much all of it is due Monday, except for two papers, though the draft of one of those is due Monday, so it's pretty much due Monday too. Ok, so only one paper isn't due Monday. I'm going to shoot myself.

I had to drag Sarah to get her nose pierced yesterday. It was so fun...I had to lock the car doors to keep her out of it, then kind of force her to go inside, then sit with her in the waiting room, then hold her hand as they stuck the needle through, and then reassure her every five minutes that her nose was not gushing blood. Oh my. Good times.

NEW MOON COMES OUT NEXT THURSDAY!!!! AAAAHHHHH!!!!!

Facebook is an evil, terrible, wicked thing. There should be more of it.

Actually, this week has been kind of hard emotionally. It all started with that stupid Liz e-mail thing (which I never got--surprised? I'm not...just disappointed). Throughout the week, I realized how selfish and manipulative she really is through storiese from Sarah and what I saw at young life. She was never really feeling sorry for ripping someone's heart to pieces in the process of getting the boy she wanted--she just hated to think that someone didn't like her. She probably almost thought that I should be the one to apologize for disapproving of her romance story.

Young Life was killer this time. Last time, I came out fine. This time it all started wrong. Before we even got there, we passed them walking up, holding hands, and it just looked so wrong to me. When they got inside, people were excited to see him. All I could think was, "if only they knew..." Then Liz was obnoxious and rude to me for the first half, sometimes saying things to Sarah and standing in front of me like I wasn't even there. On the flip side, I was perfectly polite to her. And the entire service, she was one spot over from me. And Greasy was on the other side of the room, sitting by my stuff and getting a good view of me. I felt so exposed. And I realized that I was in the same room with the two people who hurt me the most in the world--and they didn't even care. I kept a really upbeat mask on the whole time, but cried all the way back up the mountain and for a little while after in the car.

The next day, Sarah finally figured out that he was spending the night there, sleeping with Liz in her bed. I knew he'd been staying over, but I thought he would at least have the decency to sleep on the couch. On facebook this morning, there were comments about her waking up happy. I wanted to punch my computer screen. It took me a while too, to figure out why I was upset, because, I mean, it's not like I want to sleep with him now or anything. But I suppose it's this--the two most selfish, hurtful, hypocritical people I know are getting the "happiness" that I used to want. She got exactly what she wanted, like she does all the time. And they spend every free moment together--which is more time than he used to give me. It makes me feel like I'm worth less than she is. Like I'm less lovable. Like I'm not worth it. It's so messed up. He used to come to my house to wake me up sometimes and sing "Good Morning, Beautiful". Once he woke me up with my promise ring. I used to dream about waking up to his face every morning.

Yuck. It's like none of that was even special, because he went ahead and used it on the next one.

Where's my husband when I need him? I have a dearth of husbands! I also wish that I had a dearth of greasy boys...unfortunately, this one still tries to do things to get my attention. Like creep me in the lunchroom this afternoon when he has no reason to be on campus.

I'm going to visit Jonanne and the girls this weekend, and it's gonna be great. And I'll be cut off from the internet, so I may actually get some homework done. Buuuut...maybe not. Lol. They have woods and turtles :)

Song of the day: How You Love Me Now (by Hello Monday). It's real great. Totally applied.

I would just like to be done. Is that too much to ask?

Word of right now: lots. I have lots of lots. Like homework, needed hours of sleep, spoonfuls of peanut butter, pounds gained since I got here, clothes on my bed, stinky socks, etc...

After several attempts, Beaulah was finally rescued from downtown Chattanooga. Well, more like two attempts but it felt like a lot. Sarah and Carly were kind enough to come up here and take me back down the mountain just to find out that the gates closed an hour earlier on Fridays...but we had fun anyway. We watched the shrimp on a treadmill on youtube.

I have like two feet of scarf done and it's super fun. I just wanna knit all the time.

Saturday was one of the most boring days ever. Until Alyssa decided it was DONUT TIME. So, it's like ten o' clock at night, and we drive down the mountail. Alyssa is almost out of gas, so we stop at the sketch mountain gas station just to find out it's closed. Thankfully, we made it to the one at the bottom of the mountain. WELL, we get down there and Alyssa flips because she thinks she's lost her phone. We look everywhere, and then go back up the mountain to look for it in the gravel pit--we even stopped to check at sketch station--only to discover that it was under the front seat the whole time....

So we went back down and ended up going to IHOP instead of Krispy Kreme. Good choice. I had my first crepe, and sadly enough, it was not what I wanted it to be. And I'm sure the menu said that it came with ice cream, but our waitress kept saying no. And then there was a really sketchy policeman security guard who was staring at us...sketchily.

Studying on the veranda on a sunny day is like studying on the beach. Now I really want to go to the beach in a new bikini. Unfortuntely, my body is much less bikini-ish now than it was this summer...

Studying with Molly for Doctrine late at night = aaaaaahhhh! So much laughter...Adam's posterior, pig fetuses, a really fun drinking song, and finally, in a fit of frustration, Molly goes, "And d*mn all those b*stards to hell!" when answering the question on the estate whereinto man fell...SO FUNNY. Poor Molly...

This morning was crazy. Tired + disoriented. The Great Hall had scones. I love scones. I ate a scone and loved it. Then I fell asleep at the table. Then, on the way to practical service, all of my notes fell out of my folder and I couldn't get them back in. FAIL.

Kindergartners make everything better. I don't know what it is, and I love it. Cade is really artistic, and I think he shows some promise. However, it is a little weird that he colors flowers on his ice cream scoops...

I don't know how I did on my Doctrine test. I don't know how I did on my CHOW test. I don't know how much I really care.

So, according to Sarah, it looks like Liz may be wanting reconciliation with me. Apparently, younglife Bible study last week was about making peace, and she wants to make things between us non-awkward, like send me an e-mail or something. But, the way she described everything to the girls riding in the car who didn't know the story was like Greasy hadn't really done anything wrong--they just kind of ended up together. She didn't tell the whole story. And she tried not to put him at fault, just said that she knew he'd lied to me and some to her, but didn't go into detail about that. At first I was thinking "Then WHY are you still with him??" and then I remembered that I stayed with him even when I knew he had lied about her too. In the end, she just wanted their opinion on whether or not it would be a good idea.

So I don't know exactly why she wants this. Does she just feel guilty? Is she really sorry at all? Does she know how bad I was hurting, partially due to her? I mean, I put the guilt mostly on him, but at the same time, she knew what was going on and how bad it would hurt me and did it anyway. She DID say yes to him, even after I had tried to reconcile with her. And she lied to me too. I lost sleep, lost weight, and went disfunctional at for weeks at a time simply by picturing her face.

I didn't realize how much anger I had toward her until today, either. I don't want that anger. But I would like for her to really be sorry. I want to believe that she is deeper than he is. Maybe she's not and I want too much. But it's not like we can just be like--hey, let's just forget about it and be buds! No, I would have to bare my soul, tell her everything, and then just pray that she responds the right way without hurting me. I don't think I can reconcile with both of them and have them still be together, it wouldn't seem right to me. Or even reconcile with her, try to be friends, and she still be with him.

I'm so confused. There are way too many implications to this.

It's what I wanted, too, but I don't know if it's the way I wanted it.

And I received this information right before my CHOW test, so I kind of had a rough time concentrating at all.

And tonight, Lisa and I tried to see who could jump and touch the ceiling. And I trapped her in the closet. And she has a ridiculous amount of candy under her bed. And she wears a funny green hat every evening.

Song of the day: Sweet Caroline

Hahaha...I blog way too much. Good thing this is pretty much for my own personal benefit. I'll make it into a book one day and sell it and EVERYBODY will buy it.

Word of the day: papers. I hate them. And there are far too many of them between now and Christmas. Good thing I dominate them like the TERMINATOR.

Yesterday, I woke up to the song Whatcha Say. I literally woke up singing and dancing, cuz I sat up in bed and busted a move. The morning was only made richer by the fact that ten minutes later, Greasy sent me a desperate facebook message. Then the sun was shining, my outfit was real cute, and, well, I got to blast music while showering. Showering before I put on that cute outfit and went out in the sunshine, of course.

Then Stewart actually made a funny joke in class (there was a vehicle outside that was backing up and making a beeping noise, and he commented on how it sounded like a microwave and then called, "It's done! You can get it out now!"), Hallstrom gave me a complement in acting, and Macallister let us out of CHOW half an hour early. BOOYAH.

Sarah and I went to First Friends and, well, met new friends. Real great. Sarah actually talked to a Buddhist guy who didn't know who Jesus was. And the food was delicious. And my car didn't get a ticket. However, my car...well, we'll get to that.

So we swung by Carly's room after and then went to Young Life Quest. Now, here's the deal. I've wanted to go to this all semester, but haven't because Greasy and Liz are really involved there and I was afraid of what it would do to me to actually see them together. So, going was a HUGE deal because it means that I've developed enough courage to not let them get in the way of what I want to do--or at least, not all the way.

Needless to say, we played a big group game, and I had a partner who I'd never met before, and I tripped at least three times, falling on the ground, and managed to dive over the crowd of everyone--who I'd also never met before--and had a blast. I just didn't look at those guys and I was ok.

So, after the service was a bit more awkward. I was talking to Carissa, when out of nowhere, Liz tackles Sarah and they barrel over us....UM. Carissa's face = 0.0 We sidled away to talk to Cassandra, and a couple minutes out of nowhere, Liz and Sarah and Carly start yelling my name--I turn around and Liz starts apologizing and laughing like it was a funny joke between friends. I stammered out that it was fine, but in my head I was going "?????????????" And the entire time after that she would act just like we had before anything happened--friends of friends, but not close friends--but completely comfortable with each other. It was definitely not the reaction I expected--I thought that she would be just as cautious of me as I was of her. But I guess she really has NO idea....

And it's weird. Because, yes, there is something in me that would like to be friends with her. It would make things easier with Sarah, maybe we could all hang out together, I don't know. And, at the same time, maybe I would finally be able to break to her what her boyfriend is doing behind her back. But I don't see any way that we could ever really be friends because of Greasy. Maybe, one day, if he is long gone, we can all be friends, and it'll be ok. But as of now, I don't know how on earth I could get rid of the tension. Can we just flush him down the toilet and make him go bye-bye? That, and we aren't really very similar...she needs a healthy dose of reality and maturity, and maybe God will give her that when and if Greasy gets flushed--just as he did with me. And, as of now, she and Greasy have kind of morphed into each other, and I can't be around anyone who emobodies greasiness.

I don't know.

Needless to say, I want to go back, because I actually did have a good time. I'm just real, real confused.

Oh, and my car. Well, I get back to the parking lot to go get it, and all the gates are locked. And my car is not an off-roader. So I'm really thankful the twins were there to get me, becuase if they hadn't been, I might have had to ask Greasy for a ride. And who wants to ride on greasy seats??

Today=class registration finished=hallelujah my schedule is grrreat. Most outstanding feature of my day? I had to pee like seven times this afternoon, which is way too much for any one afternoon. Maybe you didn't need to know that. But it's ok, because nobody reads this anyway...until it gets published, of course....

And I'm about to go to a Christina/Mulan/knitting party. Covenant parties are way too cool.

New hall term = womb. More specifically hysterics, when a woman's womb moves to all parts of her body.

I've been reading through my old xanga, and I was probably one of the most hyper fifteen year olds I've ever known. SO MANY EXCLAMATION POINTS. When I read it, all I can imagine is a small girl sitting at a computer bouncing up and down rapidly. As Michelle said about it last night when I read out my "about me" --- "You were a lot cooler thirteen-year-old than I was." Unfortunately, I was fifteen. Maturity fail.

Song of the day: Replay. Again.

Word of the day: anti-friend. This was a term Amy came up with. It means person that you reject on facebook, even though you know them really, REALLY well. It's kind of like an enemy, but not exactly. More like a douchebag ex-boyfriend who facebook creeps you to drive you crazy. ANYWAYS.....

Working out makes me feel more buff. Especially when I burn like, 138 calories before I've actually eaten any that day. It's kind of like having credit, but for food. I could eat 138 calories then and it would count for nothing for the day! Well, ok, so not exactly like that...

There are ladybugs everywhere. We are getting massively swarmed, and they're still coming. Our hall was 80 degrees today, and it's November. Yeah, the ladybugs like that. What is wrong with our air conditioning? I don't know, but it's dumb.

I wish I could sleep as much as my roommate does. But Laura has no time for naps.

RUF sex talk. Real awkward. One of the points on the handout: "Sex is fun! [reference from Song of Solomon]" Ummmm.....I can't have a husband for a few years, thanks. Glad this is stuck in my head now. I think, sometimes, that talking about how you shouldn't have sex almost makes kids want to do it more. Not that I'm going to go out and have sex with somebody soon. But it's like telling somebody NOT to think about a polar bear for one minute. Try it. Fail? Yeah, that's what I thought. Telling kids "DON'T HAVE SEX." is kind of like that...now that they can't do it, it's like that piece of candy your mom wouldn't let you have as a kid, now you just want it more. I think that maybe it's better to tell kids stuff that they can do now that's a lot better than sex with someone you aren't married to. Like, enjoying your singlehood, which is what I'm doing. Sure, scare the crap out of them with warnings about what will happen if they do have sex outside of marriage--tell 'em not to have it. But then tell them what they CAN do that's way more fun.

Math buddies just make Tuesday lunch an exciting experience. There was something Amy said that I really wanted to quote that I forgot...sad day. And grilled chicken was invented to go in salad, this is my conclusion. It's delish.

The Song of Roland is a ridiculous piece of literature. The poem focuses on the gore of war (bahaha...that rhymes..), and the main character faints like sixteen times! Ok, so that was a lie, it's more like three, but still. The dude's a commanding officer, he's a count for goodness sake, and he swoons at death. And who names their kid Roland? It's like a fat joke waiting to happen. Especially if he likes rolls. It's like, "Hey there Rolly Roland! How many rolls you got there? Why don'tcha count 'em for me!" Ok, so that wasn't very funny. You think of a better one. Ooh, what if he fainted and rolled down a hill? OF ROLLS!

I love children's books. Why can't all textbooks be written like children's books? Why can't all of it be a narrative? I'm gonna write a textbook one day, and it's all gonna be a narrative. In fact, I'll make it a math book, just to shake things up. It'll be about a girl named Sue who falls in love with a boy named Geometry, but in order to marry him, she must first figure out all of his rules. It will unlock the dreadful math curse that has been placed upon him. Then they'll live happily ever after, becuase they will never have to do that kind of math again! Hooray!

TANGENT.

The Great Hall gets two thumbs up for their international dinner today. That will be the first two thumbs up I've given them all semester.

I wish that skirts automatically gave you the ability to be a beautiful dancer. Or the ability to fly. Though, that may not be so good because it IS a SKIRT after all.

Glee is officially my favorite show. The end.

Can I never write another paper again? I would prefer this. Papers are really, really gross. Or, could I just write papers like a storybook or a blog? I would also prefer this. But then I may not like writing stories and blogging so much.

I want a dog. And I want all crybaby boys to drop off the side of the mountain, for mine and Diana's sake. Maybe not die, just be ugly enough so that nobody else will ever want to date them. Or at least not for a few years. Ok, actually, I just want them to become butt ugly for a couple years until they are mature enough to date someone and stay faithful--then they can have a girlfriend.

Oh my.

Sond of the day: Anything off the Glee soundtrack. Thanks, roommate.

Word of the day: class schedule.

I think figuring out classes next semester is a ridiculous process. I just spent at least two hours trying to map things out, and even then I had to change stuff around when I saw what was actually being offered. Being an education major is daaaag nasty.

So there's this little girl in my kindergarten class, Caroline, who says "totally" all the time. Like, today, she was telling me, "I don't wanna do this. I'm totally tired!" and I'm like, "You're five! Tired is MY job! You can take a nap later!"

And I was really disoriented because there was a parent in the room. It was really awkward at first because I didn't know how much to let her do, but then she started talking to me, and apparently she had gone to covenant too, and there was all this cool stuff that we could talk about. And her daughter is precious. I take that back. ALL those children are precious.

Unfortunately, I didn't get a special snack today. And my teacher made me late for chapel.

Ok, so Lisa's watching Underworld, and I'm not watching, but I hear a lot of intense music and squishy bloody sounds. Yuck. And she's wearing a hat.

New Moon is still addictive the fourth time around.

None of my classes today were particularly interesting, and I find that really sad.

I missed my night class, too, which was not my fault. Laurel said it was optional, and I hope she's right, or I'm toast. Not really. That teacher's pretty cool.

They had REALLY sweet ice cream sundaes in in the great hall today!! HUZZAH!

I need to call Nathan back, but I don't want to. I don't want to do anything. Is that a problem?

Nap. That's what I want to do. And eat. All the time. Arrange this for me please. Can this be a class? Can I take it with Hallstrom? She's so intense about Acting class I'm sure she'd be intense about this....

Single men. There are a lot of them in the world. Very few are worth it. The ones that are, are very difficult to attain. This is why I'm going to marry Ryan Reynolds.

Christina needs to go ahead and teach me how to knit.

Today I did not look so good. The brown shirt made me look like there's more to love here than there should be. This is disconcerting. Disconcerting is one of my favorite words. I should use it more often.

Song of the day: Defying Gravity. I wanna fly on a broom too!

Word of the weekend: cousin. She was here allll weekend.

I'm real tired. Why is it that you catch up on one night's sleep and then lose it again the next night? I'm losin this game!

Performance project: success. TIPS paper: success. Laura: success. I dominate.

First drive-in movie experience was this Friday. Couples Retreat and Wild Things. The whole time, Grace was probably going "Uuuuuuuuuuumm...who are these people???" At least we didn't make a pile as was suggested. Then she mighta felt a little more awkward. Lisa's car battery died, which was flipping hilarious. We had to get it charged twice, because the second time it died in the middle of the road out in the boonies of northern Georgia. At midnight. At the beginning of Halloween. I was sure we were going to get raped by a bear.

A TIPS paper is not the first thing I want to do on a Saturday morning. But I did. I'm so responsible.

Note to self: the safety and security office is closed on Saturdays. Unfortunately, Covenant gives tickets for everything. Actually, everywhere gives tickets for everything. I have gotten three parking tickets in the last two weeks in three different places. And nobody warns you! What's up wit dat?

Cloudland Canyon is the most beautiful place ever. Well, maybe not ever, but it's really really pretty. And it has a million bajillion stairs. Going down-no problem. Going up-ouchie calves. It was so worth it. Grace and I took a buttload of pictures even though it was overcast. I like the woods a lot. I want to move into a treehouse. Now. But without any bugs. A de-bugged treehouse. Yes please. Grace wears flip-flops everywhere, and I kept telling her not to die because I thought she would slip in those ridiculous shoes! Geez!

Halloween=successful. I was a freaky-gypsy-fortune-teller-lady-thing. I had a slip on my head. We went out to eat in our costumes, and since Alyssa was a spy, every time we crossed the road, she darted across while spouting off the mission impossible theme song. We were the only people at our restaurant, and Kait wanted to eat everyone's pickle. The dance party was ridick-cheney. After about an hour, the windows in the dance room were dewed with human sweat. And every time the guys raised their arms in unison, I could smell--well, you know....But there were candy and soft drinks and it was delicious. And I stole some candy.

Hot Fuzz is a funny movie. It makes me want to be British.

The lady I met in Sunday School last week remembered me and Sarah! I was so happy! I want to adopt her! Speaking of adopting, our hall adopted the widow whose house we worked on last Saturday morning for Love Chattanooga. Her name is Miss Ruth, and her husband only died about a month ago. She was presh, and I want to see more of her.

I really, really like my church. New City is awesome.

I haven't done my devotion time for a few days now, and I'm feelin a little dry. Memorizing Psalm 34 was definitely a good idea.

I don't think I'm ever gonna finish this MTW application. It's rull big.

I had the strangest dream last night. There was a giant lady, and she was collecting small people to put in a hotel for her to keep until she decided what to do with us. I was collected, and I was really mad that she simply picked me up and took me without letting me pack more clothes. She put us all in a hotel and wouldn't let us leave. Thank goodness it was a nice hotel. But then I discovered that Liz had been captured too, and she was waiting on the lady to find Dusty too. I decided to be friendly to Liz instead of mean. She was wearing a Disney Princess outfit, crown and all. And she was pregnant, but there was no father. I saw a picture in her wallet. It was a picture that I had originally thought was of me and Dusty, but somehow she was squished in the middle and his arms were around her and I thought "Oh! He was cheating on me!" Then the big lady told us we could go for a swim, so Liz and I went to the pool, stripped down to our underwear, and jumped in. And I really wanted her crown.

I haven't watched Tuck Everlasting in a long time. Why do I like that movie so much? Oh yeah, because I would love to live in that house with that pretty boy in those woods. Forever. Woohoo!

Song of the day: You're Beautiful

Word of the day: pictures. I took a lot of them.

I should be in bed right now. I'm super tired.

School should be done now. I don't want to do any more papers, I don't know if I have the willpower to do anything else. Like for real. I was looking at all the work I have between now and Christmas, and it makes me just wanna jump off the veranda. Don't worry, I won't.

Yesterday I woke up at the ungodly hour of 6:15. That's not an hour, but it's a nasty time to be awake. Why did I do this? Field placement at Siskin Institute. They have the most rock awesome playground EVER. And the kids were adorable. We observed a four year old blind girl named Britney, and she was precious and sad. She didn't speak, and I think she was autistic. And she shuffled around in circles a lot. But she had a real great halloween dress on.

Christina and I are study fails. We tried, and ended up eating chocolate. Thanks Christina.

Mac Movie Night = Friggin hilarious. Twilight parody, yeah, I wanted to pee my pants.

I was so disoriented last night it took nothing for me to go to sleep. I could barely speak coherently.

I didn't get as much homework done today as I wanted to, as usual. But I took a lot of great pictures. And talked to my Mimi. And found a new favorite song. And found my Halloween costume.

Camille J. Hallstrom is going to be the death of me. I'm super nervous about this performance project, and I can't even practice it well. I don't know if my scenes are even good! AAAAAHHH!!!

We went to Walmart, and I bought food and socks. Yay me.

Greasy's latest facebook pictures make him look like a creepy, obese blue creeper. You should go check 'em out. And he's trying to bring in the new fall trend--sweatpants! Too bad it means wasting the pair of jeans I bought him last Christmas--epic fashion fail!

Why did I spend over $200 on him last Christmas? WHY???

Lesson to all women: do not spend a lot of money on a male until he buys you an engagement ring. I could be buying more boxes of cereal, but no, I had to spend them on ninja turtle slippers for him. Eww.

But, two days ago he joined my fanpage on facebook. Yes, my creepy ex is my fan. Why is this soo hilarious?

Song of the day: Replay.

Dear Blog,
I am sorry I have left you so lonely. I know you've missed me. But I love you, I hope you always know this.
Signed,
Laura

Word of the day: Pumkin Muffies. Also known as a food I would like to eat all the time.

Yesterday, my kindergartners gave me two Christmas rice krispie treats because it was Gardner's birthday (yeah, that's a real kid's name). Then my Teaching Exceptional Children prof gave me a bag of candy. Then Lisa and Alyssa and I had a pumpkin muffie party, and had at least ten of the little suckers each. I am convinced that everyone everywhere just really wants me to get fat.

The ladies in my Sunday School class are ridiculously precious. The one sitting next to me (I believe her name was Jane) just whispered back and forth with me about things she had written in her book, which she shared with me. And another one of the ladies was joking about her 80th birthday coming back. Last time I was there, she said (as she slumped down in her chair and got-wide eyed), "Oh my gosh. I'm going to be eighty in two weeks!" Umm, yeah. I want them to adopt me so I can go to their precious houses and bake cookies with them.

I got to be a mermaid on Saturday! My aunt and two little cousins, Jenny and Rachel, came to Chatty for a visit and we went to the aquarium. I've been like four times in the last year, but going with them was my favorite. They were excited about so many things, and I got to make them laugh. And, during the last part--the sea cave--we pretended we were mermaids. YES. And, right before that, while Rachel and I waited for her mom and Jenny to go to the bathroom, we went into the jellyfish room and pretended to be jellyfish. Awkwardly enough, however, all the turtles seemed to be getting frisky with one another....

So, I've really been getting into Psalm 34 lately. I tried to memorize it over the summer, but kids are very distracting, so I'm trying again now. It's reminding me of the importance of PERSISTENCE in prayer, and learning to lean on God--He's got it. He's big enough, he knows what He's doing. And I need to chill out, because in the long run, His will will be accomplished. And that's really cool. So far, I'm on verse 9.

Here I am inserting Molly, cuz she just asked if I was blogging about her. I AM NOW! You are sucking a lollipop and listening to piano music and putting up pictures on facebook. You're a dork!

Sunday was gorgeous, so I just had to go to the woods. And it was ooooober pretty! I think half of the students in Founders thought so too, because the woods were way too crowded. I ended up going off the trail just so I could feel alone. I took my Bible, journal, and internship application. Oh yeah, and my camera. I was super stoked about taking pictures. I think I'm turning into my dad.

I really, really want to be a missionary. I mean, my desire just gets bigger and bigger. I'm super stoked about this internship, and I really hope that's God's will for me this summer. I don't really know how teaching would fit into a future career in missions, though. I don't want to teach as a missionary kids school, because I feel like it's too exclusive. But I don't want to teach English at a university either. Soooo....we'll see. I got a couple years. And maybe a husband to figure that out with later. Maybe. We'll see. But not for now. I like being single too much :)

I slept a lot today. And that made me so happy.

So...Greasy is a creeper. I was sitting with my friends today in lunch, and he went all the way around the front of our booth and sat at an empty table right next to us so that he was directly in my line of vision and could hear everything we were saying. It was only SLIGHTLY obvious he wanted my attention. But I'm getting really good at not letting it bother me so much...and, I'm not the one failing my classes >:)

My grandmother sent me a shirt and popcorn today. The shirt is interesting, but I will for sure be using the popcooorn!

Our hall had a Star Wars party on Sunday night. A lot of nerds live on my hall. And I love it.

Actually, I just have a lot of really good friends here. And I love my school. Except for the ridiculous amount of homework all the time.

Grace is coming on Friday!

Song of the day: Sonata for Violin and Piano No. 10 in G major (The Cock Crow) by Beethoven. In other words, the song that Molly has playing on Pandora right now.

Word of the day: curly. That's what my hair looked like.

Today, my kindergartners put up a fit about paper ice cream scoops. When they got twenty for reading, they were given a "ceremony" and got a coupon for free Clumpie's ice cream. Well, three students hit twenty today and they were super excited. Therefore, the rest of the children in the classroom forced me to count and recount their scoops, and, when they finally accepted the fact that they didn't have twenty, went back to their seats and moped. And it was Rebecca's birthday, so we got Halloween mini-cupcakes :)

I've been ridiculously tired all day. And I don't get a break tomorrow either.

The only reason I go to Doctrine anymore is because of Molly Wilkes. We write notes to each other, draw pictures to each other, and text each other. And she sits next to me. I love it. Today, we learned about Neandertals...aka NeanderTALLS.

Acting is the strangest class ever. In the history of ever. We did relaxation exercises today and had to massage each other. Highlight of the afternoon: we were lying on the stage, and Hallstrom told us to start speaking lines at the ceiling--any lines. I started reciting Jabberwocky, and soon I heard two or three other people were reciting it too. Jacob was in unison with me. Um, I love that poem.

I like peanut butter spoons.

I love Glee.

HOEDOWN. AWESOME. I would have a hoedown every day of my life if I could. Ok, maybe not everyday, but a lot more than I do, which is pretty much never. It was First Friends, a thing to get us plugged in with internationals, mostly UTC students. And I met lots of cool people. I talked to a lady from Taiwan about wanting to go into missions, and how she became a Christian only four years ago after coming to the states. Her husband hasn't yet, though, but he comes to church with her and was there tonight. And there was a GORGEO---well, we won't go into that, he was taken anyway...but I danced with---well, he was taken too....but I still had a ridiculous amount of fun....

And, to top it all off, I did not have a single Greasy encounter today! On the flip side, however, is that I am always on my toes, because anything that happens always happens when I let my guard down and then I get all ruffled again. I've been frustrated for the last two days...I just wanna let a nalgene fly on his head...

Verse of the day: Psalm 34:4

Song of the day: Cotton-Eyed Joe. And the Hoedown Throwdown.

There is no word of the day today.

I did not set an alarm this morning.

My cat brought a live bird into the house and my mother screamed like she was about to die.

I am a terrible packer.

I ate the last pumpkin mini muffin and was sad.

I hate only being able to listen to the radio in my car.

Dinner was confusing because no one was here, but delicious because there were chicken fingers.

We couldn't tell the difference between salad dressing and jelly. Ew.

I am more productive at home than I am here.

I put more disney princess pictures on my closet.

Everyone got back and gave me bad-for-you food.

I decided to start going to young life.

I really want to go to a dance in a pretty dress like the twins and Nicole.

I wanna be in a musical.

I miss Morgan and my house.

Homework is dispicable.

Song of the day: Fatman Stomp. Or should I say fatwoman?

Word of the day: aww. Probably because I said it so much
2nd word of the day: hmm....

I always think more when I'm at home.

I walked all the way from the auto place to Books-a-million today without being hit by a car!

I read three acts of the Crucible, and it was quite disturbing. That was the first thing that got me thinking. Abigail Williams is the most manipulative and scary person I've ever read about. This play just makes you want to smack everyone in it. Sadly, it's way too close to true humanity.

I bought yarn and knitting needles today :)

I washed my dog for the first time in years. It was nasty gross. No, I didn't clean out the wound. She was just covered in nasty greasy dirt stuff. I don't know what it was and really don't want to.

I think I smelled everything in bath and body works today and tried half of it. My hands have felt funny since.

Where the Wild Things are is the most interesting movie I've seen in a while. I can't really classify it. Basically, it gave adult lessons through the eyes of a child in his imaginary world. Very interesting. There are so many undertones in there....but I'm not a movie critic, so I don't feel like critiqueing it...

Meet Joe Black....a movie that really did make me think. First thought: Brad Pitt....mmm....After that, I just thought about death. Yeah, real fun. I just wondered--what would it feel like to know that you were taking away people's lives when they still had so much potential? What would it be like to give up the person you loved for their sake? What would it be like to know when you were dying? To die without regrets? Does anyone REALLY die without regrets?

If I died now, would I die without regrets? Yeah, I'm 18, not the time to be thinking about that, but really, would I? No, I don't think I would. Don't get me wrong, I love my life. I have awesome friends who love me, a supportive family, go to an amazing school, have all kinds of fun things going on, go to cool churches, and have a great future ahead of me. I know God has everything under control. But, if I knew I was to die now, I would feel unresolved. Why? That dumb boy who won't give me the closure I want.

I just heard the song "Forever and Always" by Taylor Swift. I remember when he bought me m&ms for Valentines Day that said our names and "forever and always". I also remember pouring them in a bowl and hurting my hand when I smashed them. Funny how five months after "forever and always" he was with someone else. How does that work? How do you go from "I wish I could marry you next summer" in May to "I like her more than you right now" in July? This doesn't work in my head.

He texted me again today. It was stupid, pointless, just something about the dentist. He just REALLY just wants my attention. But he doesn't love me. You don't treat someone you love or even remotely care about like he's treated me. This has been one of the hardest things for me to come to grips with these last few months. I was so sure...he loved me more than anything...I was going to keep him...so many things....then, all of the sudden, he doesn't love me anymore. uumm...what??? Repeat that for me? For two years..."I wanna marry you...I want four kids, and I want them all to look like you...I wanna grow old with you...I can't wait to support you.." everyone KNEW we would last.

Then, in July, "What did you want me to do? Stay with you when I didn't have feelings for you anymore?"

Excuse me?

And now, he's remembering us, missing us, and wanting to keep me on the side so when things fall through with HER, he can crawl back to me, even though he doesn't really love me. No sir. I'm through. You had that chance months ago. You had it THREE times. It's been six months since this mess started, since you started putting my heart to the cheese grater, and I won't take it anymore.

So, the question is, what do I do now? How do I protect my heart? Something I need to pray about...

I almost ran over three bunnies tonight.

Verse of the day: Psalm 34:3.
Question: Does delivering you from all your fears mean taking them away, or making you courageous enough that they are no longer fears? I think the second one applies a lot...

Song of the day: What a Wonderful World (the version with the ukelele..cuz I like those)