Word of the day: curly. That's what my hair looked like.

Today, my kindergartners put up a fit about paper ice cream scoops. When they got twenty for reading, they were given a "ceremony" and got a coupon for free Clumpie's ice cream. Well, three students hit twenty today and they were super excited. Therefore, the rest of the children in the classroom forced me to count and recount their scoops, and, when they finally accepted the fact that they didn't have twenty, went back to their seats and moped. And it was Rebecca's birthday, so we got Halloween mini-cupcakes :)

I've been ridiculously tired all day. And I don't get a break tomorrow either.

The only reason I go to Doctrine anymore is because of Molly Wilkes. We write notes to each other, draw pictures to each other, and text each other. And she sits next to me. I love it. Today, we learned about Neandertals...aka NeanderTALLS.

Acting is the strangest class ever. In the history of ever. We did relaxation exercises today and had to massage each other. Highlight of the afternoon: we were lying on the stage, and Hallstrom told us to start speaking lines at the ceiling--any lines. I started reciting Jabberwocky, and soon I heard two or three other people were reciting it too. Jacob was in unison with me. Um, I love that poem.

I like peanut butter spoons.

I love Glee.

HOEDOWN. AWESOME. I would have a hoedown every day of my life if I could. Ok, maybe not everyday, but a lot more than I do, which is pretty much never. It was First Friends, a thing to get us plugged in with internationals, mostly UTC students. And I met lots of cool people. I talked to a lady from Taiwan about wanting to go into missions, and how she became a Christian only four years ago after coming to the states. Her husband hasn't yet, though, but he comes to church with her and was there tonight. And there was a GORGEO---well, we won't go into that, he was taken anyway...but I danced with---well, he was taken too....but I still had a ridiculous amount of fun....

And, to top it all off, I did not have a single Greasy encounter today! On the flip side, however, is that I am always on my toes, because anything that happens always happens when I let my guard down and then I get all ruffled again. I've been frustrated for the last two days...I just wanna let a nalgene fly on his head...

Verse of the day: Psalm 34:4

Song of the day: Cotton-Eyed Joe. And the Hoedown Throwdown.

There is no word of the day today.

I did not set an alarm this morning.

My cat brought a live bird into the house and my mother screamed like she was about to die.

I am a terrible packer.

I ate the last pumpkin mini muffin and was sad.

I hate only being able to listen to the radio in my car.

Dinner was confusing because no one was here, but delicious because there were chicken fingers.

We couldn't tell the difference between salad dressing and jelly. Ew.

I am more productive at home than I am here.

I put more disney princess pictures on my closet.

Everyone got back and gave me bad-for-you food.

I decided to start going to young life.

I really want to go to a dance in a pretty dress like the twins and Nicole.

I wanna be in a musical.

I miss Morgan and my house.

Homework is dispicable.

Song of the day: Fatman Stomp. Or should I say fatwoman?

Word of the day: aww. Probably because I said it so much
2nd word of the day: hmm....

I always think more when I'm at home.

I walked all the way from the auto place to Books-a-million today without being hit by a car!

I read three acts of the Crucible, and it was quite disturbing. That was the first thing that got me thinking. Abigail Williams is the most manipulative and scary person I've ever read about. This play just makes you want to smack everyone in it. Sadly, it's way too close to true humanity.

I bought yarn and knitting needles today :)

I washed my dog for the first time in years. It was nasty gross. No, I didn't clean out the wound. She was just covered in nasty greasy dirt stuff. I don't know what it was and really don't want to.

I think I smelled everything in bath and body works today and tried half of it. My hands have felt funny since.

Where the Wild Things are is the most interesting movie I've seen in a while. I can't really classify it. Basically, it gave adult lessons through the eyes of a child in his imaginary world. Very interesting. There are so many undertones in there....but I'm not a movie critic, so I don't feel like critiqueing it...

Meet Joe Black....a movie that really did make me think. First thought: Brad Pitt....mmm....After that, I just thought about death. Yeah, real fun. I just wondered--what would it feel like to know that you were taking away people's lives when they still had so much potential? What would it be like to give up the person you loved for their sake? What would it be like to know when you were dying? To die without regrets? Does anyone REALLY die without regrets?

If I died now, would I die without regrets? Yeah, I'm 18, not the time to be thinking about that, but really, would I? No, I don't think I would. Don't get me wrong, I love my life. I have awesome friends who love me, a supportive family, go to an amazing school, have all kinds of fun things going on, go to cool churches, and have a great future ahead of me. I know God has everything under control. But, if I knew I was to die now, I would feel unresolved. Why? That dumb boy who won't give me the closure I want.

I just heard the song "Forever and Always" by Taylor Swift. I remember when he bought me m&ms for Valentines Day that said our names and "forever and always". I also remember pouring them in a bowl and hurting my hand when I smashed them. Funny how five months after "forever and always" he was with someone else. How does that work? How do you go from "I wish I could marry you next summer" in May to "I like her more than you right now" in July? This doesn't work in my head.

He texted me again today. It was stupid, pointless, just something about the dentist. He just REALLY just wants my attention. But he doesn't love me. You don't treat someone you love or even remotely care about like he's treated me. This has been one of the hardest things for me to come to grips with these last few months. I was so sure...he loved me more than anything...I was going to keep him...so many things....then, all of the sudden, he doesn't love me anymore. uumm...what??? Repeat that for me? For two years..."I wanna marry you...I want four kids, and I want them all to look like you...I wanna grow old with you...I can't wait to support you.." everyone KNEW we would last.

Then, in July, "What did you want me to do? Stay with you when I didn't have feelings for you anymore?"

Excuse me?

And now, he's remembering us, missing us, and wanting to keep me on the side so when things fall through with HER, he can crawl back to me, even though he doesn't really love me. No sir. I'm through. You had that chance months ago. You had it THREE times. It's been six months since this mess started, since you started putting my heart to the cheese grater, and I won't take it anymore.

So, the question is, what do I do now? How do I protect my heart? Something I need to pray about...

I almost ran over three bunnies tonight.

Verse of the day: Psalm 34:3.
Question: Does delivering you from all your fears mean taking them away, or making you courageous enough that they are no longer fears? I think the second one applies a lot...

Song of the day: What a Wonderful World (the version with the ukelele..cuz I like those)

Word of, um, a while: busyyyy. Yeah, it requires the extra y's, cuz it was wayyyy busy.

Friday: Rejoice's birthday party was super. I like dance parties and karaoke machines and tiny umbrellas and candy and pizza. I should have a birthday party for myself everyday! But the best part of the night was when Rejoice, Abby, Joel, Jordan, and I all cuddled in a bed and watched TV. Mass cuddling is super. Unfortunately, the rest of the night I dreamed that Jordan was chasing me, trying to get me to cuddle with him. Not that Jordan isn't fun to cuddle or anything...but....ok anyway....

Satuday: Cold pizza for breakfast. Laundrey day. Family trip to the mall! Unexpectedly running into Greasy's mother and sister-in-law 0.0 Talk about adrenaline rush...I don't even know half the stuff they said. I like Chick-fil-a and Bath and Body Works a lot.

Sarah sleepovers are super! Sketchy Mexican friends in arcades at midnight--not so much. But she, Rachel, and I were amazing at belting out "Whatcha Say" to the jukebox with pool sticks. I think I ate, like, seven oatmeal cookies. Sarah is very indecisive about a name for their new poodle puppy. I really like cheese dip. We creep old Ukrainian acquaintances on facebook. And tatt shopping=love it! But not for me...

Sunday: Women's Sunday School for the first time! I feel old....Greasy showed up again, but at least this time I was expecting it. I did think it was funny how he was making sure to stay in my line of vision, but it was very nice to have a group of protective friends there with me :) And dad kept poking me during the sermon about respecting your parents...I don't get why...we took a lot of pictures in the chilly mountains that afternoon. I was slightly upset by the sight of Greasy's car at his girlfriend's house, but my super-cool brother and bff helped me forget. Unfortunately, they can't make me forget forever, and I fear that I spend too many home-nights looking through old pictures of my ex-best friend....

Today: Homework hardcore. Turned in two papers, started The Crucible, and typed up half of my TIPS notes. I still have bunches tomorrow >_< Dumb professors....well, they aren't dumb because they ARE professors, but...yeah...anyway....

I think it's cute when my dad talks about his hobbies.

I really like home food, a lot. I would be really fat if I still lived here.

My dog has this sick-nasty zit-growth thing that's oozing blood and junk on her shoulder. But I don't think she'll die.

There's cat hair all over my stuff.

I've heard "Whatcha Say" so many times this weekend it's ridiculous.

Sarah suggested getting "Team Laura" shirts for me and all my friends, which I think is super. I think they should have a picture of Greasy's face on the back with a big X through it. But maybe then it would be too obvious...

Quotable thought of the day: True love doesn't fade, but it can be killed.

I really like being at home.

Song of the day: So Sick (Ne-Yo)

Word of the last two days: dark. No, I am not emo. But it has been ridiculously foggy and four hours of yesterday I was "blind".

Fog makes me moody.

Being blind yesterday was one of the most interesting experiences of my life. Number one emotion: fear. I had to constantly trust that Molly or Laura would take care of me when they were walking me around campus. But taking a shower blind is ridiculous. And any time that they weren't around, someone could easily come up to me and do something. There were times when I knew someone was standing in front of me (like my evil roommate), but I had no idea who they were or what they were planning to do and I had no way to defend myself. And, I ate half my food at lunch with my hands becuase I got tired of coming up with an empty fork.

Less than five minutes after I took the blindfold off, I found out I got a C on my Doctrine Midterm. >_<

My counselor says that I have much improved over the last couple months and gotten stronger. That was very encouraging.

Don't intentionally try to have a Bible study in the great hall with only an Ipod touch as the Bible. I didn't understand half of the scripture that was read because I couldn't hear it and was somewhat distracted by a cute boy at the sandwich bar. Darn it, attractive males!

So there are times when I'm really good at doing homework and there are times when I'm not. Yesterday was one of those times when I'm not. The only reason I finished a rough draft and began another was because I spent five hours working on them! The day before, I finished a whole paper in two hours. Darn youtube and facebook and Beyonce! Darn you to heck!

That, and sometimes I get into a really crazy mood and go all ADHD.

This morning, I enjoyed waking up. How strange. I worked on a paper first thing. How strange. I ate cookie crisp for breakfast. How wonderful.

I'm reading New Moon again and my roommate needs to quit making fun of me.

Greasy sightings today: one. I am just very surprised that he hasn't tried to contact me anymore after asking me to dinner two days ago, and it's annoying constantly being on my toes in case he does. It's also annoying having an adrenaline rush every time I see someone in gym clothes, a gangster hat, or a backpack. Why does he have to be here??

Scripture of the day: Psalm 34:1

Another thought that came to mind today: Why did I fall in love with him? I have had so many people ask me this question, and now I'm having a hard time answering it for myself. I don't even really remember what it felt like to love him. All I remember is that it made me feel safe, secure, and wanted. He was the one person I felt like I could trust most in the world. But, looking back at it, it seems absolutely absurd. I enjoy my life so much now, constantly being around people who like me and appreciate me and whom I can trust, that it seems silly how much I depended on that boy who I really didn't have that much in common with. And now, he the one person in the world that can make me angry just by entering my thoughts. I'm honestly wondering how long it's going to take his girlfriend to figure out that he's been going behind her back for months, trying to get me to still have feelings for him so that he can run back to me when things don't work out between them.

On a lighter note, during TIPS class I thought about how pleasant it would be to have my own puppy.

Song of the day: Whatcha Say

Word of the day: racist. I'm not one, but TIPS class sometimes makes me feel like one.

I could've straightened my hair today, but I did it curly because I thought it would rain. This was upsetting.

I woke up earlier than I needed to. I hate that.

I really, really like my math buddies. They're just way funny. And way dorks. But that's what makes them funny. And I had a delicious BLT.

I hate homework. I enjoy distracting myself with music and dance. Or just facebook. Or texting. Or other stuff.

Greasy sightings: 0. Greasy occurrences: 1. He used skype chat to ask me if I wanted to eat dinner with him in the Great Hall. Fortunately, I didn't find it until he got offline, but I was very, very confused. And angry.

Moral of the story: never date a greaseball.

I finished a whole three-page paper in two hours. It was very satisfying.

I hate it when people whistle, and I think they are whistling at me, but then I find out it's really at someone else. I get really hopeful for like two seconds, and then I'm really disappointed. Who knows, maybe they ARE all whistling at me.

I have to go blind for the entire first half of the day tomorrow. This will be interesting.

Lisa has taught me to like Swedish Fish. She has done this by throwing them at me. All the time.

I eat too much.

I just want to stay distracted all the time.

Fall Break is too far away. And too short.

I want it to be Thanksgiving.

Song of the day: Get Out (Leave)
[dear mr. greasy: please do.]

Word of the day: Monday. For that's what today was, and it was a grumpy Monday.
2nd word of the day: Akimbo. Because I like that word.

Another one of my kindergartners told me that I had a lot of freckles. YES I'm breaking out, and they aren't freckles, they are zits. Drew stared at me today while he picked his nose and ate his booger. Sadly enough, I rember the days when I used to do this. At least I didn't smear my boogers on the wall, like Audrey did. I remember making her clean them off.......ANYWAY...... Cade laughed when he realized that one of his classmates didn't understand the value of zero. I raised my eyebrows at him, when really, I thought it was hilarious too. Rebecca counted all the way up through 22 before she realized that she couldn't find zero. FAIL. No, not really, that's mean...

Wind is bad for umbrellas.

Greasy sightings today: 2. Boo. At least this time, I didn't shake much.

Dr. Stewart is an interesting man. He makes himself sound really theological by using big words, but the sentence structure is all screwed up. And his eyebrows distract me. And texting Molly when she's sitting right next to me distracts me. But keep that a secret, or he'll get onto me. Maybe not, because he liked my captivating presentation a couple weeks ago about taking the Lord's name in vain. But that's only because the first paragraph included the beginning line of "I Like Big Butts".

Acting class was way heavy. We had to act out scenes that were very close to deep emotional experiences that we had gone through personally so that we could draw from our emotions. Oh man. It was painful. I sort-of relived the very beginning of the break-up incidents, as well as the first few moments that I found out Greasy was with Liz. It was way to close to home, and I was still shaking for a little while afterwards. I think my classmates were scared by my performance. I was surprised by how easily I could still tap into that emotion. When I really concentrate on those moments, I can almost fully remember every ounce of pain--that's how strong they are.

Thanks, Greasy.

Scripture of the day: Proverbs 4:23

I paid attention to a whole CHOW class!

I had to pee three times through my night class. It was slightly embarrassing, but a glass or orange juice and two cups of coffee will do that to ya. I discovered, too, that simple children's drawings of a house, person, and tree, can say a lot about how they feel. Like if a stick figure's arms are AKIMBO. I don't remember what it signifies, but it means something. And that runaways draw people with no feet. During class, I drew Lisa a picture of her yelling at Alyssa for jumping on her bed. Alyssa's head was stuck in the ceiling and she was cussing a Lisa. And I only used five colors.

It is COLD in here. Lisa and I were passing Mac, and we were discussing how much I loved shorts and the fact that I can't wear them anymore. Then some guy yelled at us out his window. "SHUT! UP!" I don't know who it was, or I might've thrown my mug at him. As we walked away, I yelled back. "Stick that in your juice box and suck it!" But I was laughing, so it wasn't necessarily intelligible.

Song of the day: I'm Already Gone.
Dumb depressing acting class and fog and afternoon.