Word of the day: aww. Probably because I said it so much
2nd word of the day: hmm....

I always think more when I'm at home.

I walked all the way from the auto place to Books-a-million today without being hit by a car!

I read three acts of the Crucible, and it was quite disturbing. That was the first thing that got me thinking. Abigail Williams is the most manipulative and scary person I've ever read about. This play just makes you want to smack everyone in it. Sadly, it's way too close to true humanity.

I bought yarn and knitting needles today :)

I washed my dog for the first time in years. It was nasty gross. No, I didn't clean out the wound. She was just covered in nasty greasy dirt stuff. I don't know what it was and really don't want to.

I think I smelled everything in bath and body works today and tried half of it. My hands have felt funny since.

Where the Wild Things are is the most interesting movie I've seen in a while. I can't really classify it. Basically, it gave adult lessons through the eyes of a child in his imaginary world. Very interesting. There are so many undertones in there....but I'm not a movie critic, so I don't feel like critiqueing it...

Meet Joe Black....a movie that really did make me think. First thought: Brad Pitt....mmm....After that, I just thought about death. Yeah, real fun. I just wondered--what would it feel like to know that you were taking away people's lives when they still had so much potential? What would it be like to give up the person you loved for their sake? What would it be like to know when you were dying? To die without regrets? Does anyone REALLY die without regrets?

If I died now, would I die without regrets? Yeah, I'm 18, not the time to be thinking about that, but really, would I? No, I don't think I would. Don't get me wrong, I love my life. I have awesome friends who love me, a supportive family, go to an amazing school, have all kinds of fun things going on, go to cool churches, and have a great future ahead of me. I know God has everything under control. But, if I knew I was to die now, I would feel unresolved. Why? That dumb boy who won't give me the closure I want.

I just heard the song "Forever and Always" by Taylor Swift. I remember when he bought me m&ms for Valentines Day that said our names and "forever and always". I also remember pouring them in a bowl and hurting my hand when I smashed them. Funny how five months after "forever and always" he was with someone else. How does that work? How do you go from "I wish I could marry you next summer" in May to "I like her more than you right now" in July? This doesn't work in my head.

He texted me again today. It was stupid, pointless, just something about the dentist. He just REALLY just wants my attention. But he doesn't love me. You don't treat someone you love or even remotely care about like he's treated me. This has been one of the hardest things for me to come to grips with these last few months. I was so sure...he loved me more than anything...I was going to keep him...so many things....then, all of the sudden, he doesn't love me anymore. uumm...what??? Repeat that for me? For two years..."I wanna marry you...I want four kids, and I want them all to look like you...I wanna grow old with you...I can't wait to support you.." everyone KNEW we would last.

Then, in July, "What did you want me to do? Stay with you when I didn't have feelings for you anymore?"

Excuse me?

And now, he's remembering us, missing us, and wanting to keep me on the side so when things fall through with HER, he can crawl back to me, even though he doesn't really love me. No sir. I'm through. You had that chance months ago. You had it THREE times. It's been six months since this mess started, since you started putting my heart to the cheese grater, and I won't take it anymore.

So, the question is, what do I do now? How do I protect my heart? Something I need to pray about...

I almost ran over three bunnies tonight.

Verse of the day: Psalm 34:3.
Question: Does delivering you from all your fears mean taking them away, or making you courageous enough that they are no longer fears? I think the second one applies a lot...

Song of the day: What a Wonderful World (the version with the ukelele..cuz I like those)