Word of the day: contemplative.
2nd word of the day: melancholy.

But maybe it's just the weather.

There's something about being at home that makes me think more. Maybe that's because I forgot my most important piece of homework at school and stayed at home doing four loads of laundry all day.

I lied. I took Daniel and Audrey to see Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs this afternoon, but I didn't leave the house other than that. After that movie, I kind of never want to eat chicken again, and I really want to live in a jello palace. I also had a semi-awkward moment. I realized that the people sitting in front of me were people I used to babysit for, and I had forgotten their names. I just prayed that they didn't turn around and start talking to me, becuase I would've just been like, "Heeeeeeyyyyy.....you!"

But the rest of the day I had time to think. I had time to think last night too. Dangerous stuff, thinking.

I talked to my counselor this week, who told me that anger is a secondary emotion. Underneath anger is pain or sadness, etc. The best way to deal with anger is to deal with the pain underneath. And it's ok to cry.

These past few months, I've covered up a lot of pain with anger. It's easier to be angry than sad. It's easier to focus on revenge than loss. I realize that this isn't Christian, but I've been so sick of the aching pain. But, after talking to her, I decided that the best way to get past this is to quit pretending that I'm over it. See, when I'm angry it diverts my attention from the hole that I feel. Because, yes, I do feel a hole. I lost my best friend, that guy who promised me the world. Even though he hasn't held me in five months, I still remember how it felt when he did. I do miss that. In my head, it's easier to pretend that he died than to think that everything he ever told me was a lie.

I looked through some more pictures last night from the summer after my senior year. They look so different from the shell of a person who gives me a shot of adrenaline whenever I see him walking around campus now. What makes someone's eyes sparkle? I can't really figure it out. But his don't anymore, at least not as far as I can see. I compare pictures from then and now, and the sparkle is gone.

Yes, he hurt me. Yes, he continues to hurt me, on purpose. But I can't hate him. I've wanted to, just so I wouldn't miss him so much or feel the connection that I do because I know I still care about him. But I don't hate him. He still carries around a big chunk of my heart around with him, which is why I shake whenever I see him. I don't know what it will take to get it back.

This house holds so many memories for me. Many are old--I mean, I've been here since I was seven. But there are other memories too. Driving up and seeing his blazer parked in the culdesac. Him holding me in the driveway. Watching him sleep on the couch. Him picking me up and twirling me around when he was excited to see me. Last night, I walked up the steps to the front door and burst into tears because I could almost see him there.

It's not like I can just forget. All of that really happened, and I really and truly loved him. Finally, after four months, the shock has worn off. This is the way things are now. Sure, so many things are better now and I know that God has greater things in store for me. But there's still a gap. There's still the memories of the guy who used to be so dedicated to me. And there's still that mystery: what happened??? How did that turn into this? I am left with these questions and a selfish jerk who won't give me any answers--or not any real ones, at least.

Accpetance. That's what I have to learn. To accept things the way they are and continue. Yes, that is STILL going to take time. I'm trying my hardest to move on with my life even though so many of those memories are still so clear in my mind. But, maybe once I come to terms with the fact I do still hurt and let the hurt flow as much as it needs to, I'll start really healing. I don't want to end up bitter and angry.

So, if you see me crying, just hold me and let me do it. It's necessary, and it's good for me. But I do love being held :)

Song of the day: How He Loves
Second song of the day: Never Had a Dream Come True