Word of the day: mismatched socks. Ok, two words. Whatever. I'm looking at my socks right now.

I have had Santa Baby stuck in my head since Thursday night. It is so hard to fall asleep to that song, especially when it's usually only one stanza. "Think of all the fun of missed...think of all the fellows that I haven't kissed..."

I feel like I'm always hungry. Why is this?

Today, I was telling Audrey and Daniel that I went to see the Nutcracker performed by a local dance school last year, one that's happening again today. They asked why. I said because Elizabeth had been in it and Dusty had wanted to go. Daniel says, "Oh, I didn't know they had fat ballerinas." Awful, terrible, mean comment, but it kind of made my day.

I worked fourteen hours in the last two days at Bath and Body Works. The first shift--11-4--not so bad. Just by the end of it I was so out of it I was talking like a 4-year-old. Then Morgan and I slept straight til our next shift. After the store closed, we were there until 3:30 in the effin morning. Someone thought it would be funny to order like three truckfuls of stuff to a tiny store whose back room was already full. NOT cool. I renamed the place Buff & Body Works.

I also had a dream night before last the terrorists took over the store and tortured us by giving us pedicures.

And I did something that I swore I would never do. I was one of those people who tried to get people to come into the store. I said, "Good evening, have you folks been to Bath and Body Works today?..." etc. depending on the reaction of the people. I HATE people that do that. The ones at the mall that are like, "Do you want to try some of our skin cream?" and I avert my eyes and pretend I can't see them. Yeah, I was one of those people. I felt like a hypocrite. I was one of the most annoying people I know.

You know what bugs me? Being asked the same stupid question over and over, especially when I'm just not in the mood to talk. Mom does that a lot. She wants to make conversation, so she will ask dumb questions that I've answered for her before. Like asking about food in the Great Hall. Who does that?? Here's the answer to any and all questions about the Great Hall: it's gross don't eat it if possible the end.

My whole family went to a Casting Crowns concert tonight. It was fun/interesting because it's first time we've ever been to one all together. But I feel like it would've been better with a few different things. Like my father not cursing at the cars in front of us on the way there, or the people who stood in front of our car as we tried to park. And here's the thing--I don't mind cussing, but I hate it when people use God's name in vain, and I thought it was rather ironic that MY father did it right before a CHRISTIAN concert. mmmk. And then there was mom making all the pointless conversation that I wasn't in the mood for. For example, on the way back, she was asking about Tobymac concerts I'd been to. Then she was asking how I'd gotten Casting Crowns to sign the t-shirt I was wearing at concert four years ago. Then she was asking if I could've gotten Tobymac to sign it. Then why I didn't. Then if he had had DiverseCity stuff to sign. On and on. Then when we got home, she was asking why I seemed so subdued. MOM.

Other than that, though, we had an alright time. It was Audrey's first concert, so we jumped a little. Mom jumped a little with us. I was surprised, because lately I've had a struggle listening to Christian music. Greasy posts lyrics to Christian songs on his facebook all the time, and since I know he's a complete liar when he does it, and that a lot of "Christians" are like that, I've had a hard time making myself listen to that music for the past few months. But I was singing the songs right along with them, even ones that he had posted on his profile.

And it was pretty awesome. But I'm coming face-to-face with my own sin and hypocrisy, and it's not pretty. I'm gross. I have problems.

I've also had an obssession with weight these last couple months. I know it's a sensitive topic, and I don't fully understand what my problem is. But I think it's this: ever since the breakup, I compared myself to Elizabeth in every way possible, which is a very bad, demeaning thing to do. But one thing that really stuck out was the fact that I had a better body than she did, and that was at least one thing I could assuredly claim I had over her. Now, if I feel like I'm getting fat, I freak out and I think it's because in the back of my head I'm determined to at least be more attractive than her in that aspect. Wow, I'm insecure.

And I'm hungry.

The song of the day was alread mentioned earlier.

Today is THANKSGIVNG!

And yes, I should be with my family in the other room, but I kind of felt like doing this first.

And soon, I gotta go work at Black Friday at Bath & Body Works. It's gonna be INSANE.

Now, a few words on thankfulness.

What am I most thankful for today? I would have to say singlehood. Yes, I'm about to go on another spiel about how I love being single, but hear me out. This experience has been quite incredible.

I mean, it's not like I wasn't single for most of my life, I didn't have a boyfriend til I was sixteen. But I spent the last 3 birthdays, Thanksgivings, Christmases, etc. having one, and I don't remember many of the holidays before that.

It really has been a journey. But, ever since we broke up, I feel like my eyes have been opened so much more to the beauty of everything around me. Suddenly, camp was amazing, and God was able to pour over me while I was there. I realized His goodness in my pain. I got to invest in the other counselors and kids because I didn't have to worry about giving my boyfriend a weekend of my time, making sure I talked to him every night, etc. I. ejoyed. my. time.

And then, when I was in Oregon, I was able to take in the beauty of it. Sure, nasty boy was trying to stir up trouble while I was there, but the pain he caused me was mirrored by the awesomeness of everything around me. See, we took a trip to Yellowstone back when I was 17, and I hardly remember anything except how miserable I was missing him. What a waste. This time, it was super cool, and it's a trip I'll never forget.

This school year has been amazing. I don't have to worry about going home every other weekend, or having to call him every night, or being cautious about the boys I hang out with, or worry about what he thinks of my friends....my hall is AWESOME and they are WAY cooler than any boyfriend! I can fully appreciate them too, simply because I can invest in them now!

I've gotten closer to my family. My sister was there for me when I was in pain, and now I feel like she's also a friend--not just a sister. I'm seeing that my family isn't going to be this way much longer, with both of my siblings at home and all of us being able to spend time together being silly. Today, when I was helping my mom in the kitchen, I wasn't thinking about my boyfriend coming over or having to eat dinner with his family. And after dinner was over, I didn't have to pine over him leaving. Last year, he made comments about how weird our music was (opera and classical music), and this year, Audrey and Daniel and I danced to it like heathens. I have not had to take a single moment from my family to give to him. I see my mom and dad and how much they are in love and think about the fact that I now have a chance at a marriage like that, not at one that would have been--well, years down the road--probably burned out and not full of love. And for now, I can pour so much more love and energy into them before we all grow up. I only get two more Thanksgivings like this before I graduate. Ouch.

Then, I've grown so much closer to my BFF Morgie. Greasy didn't like her because she was so perceptive, which should have been an automatic sign. She has been there for me every time I've needed her, and I can now give her more time. She's kind of like the boyfriend I visit at home lol. Tonight, we're gonna work together, and I get to spend all of tomorrow with her. In two years time, she will be married, and we won't have this anymore.

And then, I don't have to hide anything from my parents anymore. There's no more worry about how much I'm doing physically with a boy. Honestly, if we were still together at this point, I would probably be worried about getting pregnant. That's awful. For the last couple years, I pretended that we were this great, clean couple or if I admitted that we were crossing the line, I made it sound like we were trying to get better. We weren't. We said we were, but we weren't. A couple more weeks together, and I would have given him everything. Now I have the chance to start over, to give my little sister a good example, to be honest with my parents, and......get an actual surprise on my wedding night...one that would actually be pleasant...

I have the chance to get out of Sevier County. I have the chance to get amazing in-laws (or at least ones that graduated high school and went to college..and don't have adult children and their grandchildren still living with them in their double-wide). I have the opportunity to invest in a time of life that won't be here much longer. I have the freedom to choose a future I want. I have eyes to fully appreciate everything around me now. I can go to a foreign country this summer. I have the opportunity to cook cool foods and not be a fat redneck teacher with a fat redneck husband in twenty years. I have the chance to get a husband who loves everything I am. I have the chance to get cats when I grow up. I can pick different names for my future children, and I won't have to dress them in Tennessee orange. I don't have to worry about making sure that a picky boy is happy. I have a shot at a man who is smart!

God's timing is perfect. Never doubt it. He chose just the right time for everything to happen, and I don't regret spending three years of my life in that relationship because it taught me so much about what the REAL thing is. About what real faith is--not the Christian mask that he and his family wear. My life is changed for the better because of everything I went through, and even though I know it's not over, I'm pretty much at the other end of the tunnel.

So....happy Thanksgiving. I gotta get ready for work :)

Word of the day: Snuggie

I finally got mine today :) It's blue and wonderful. I'm still not sure if I want to name it Jacob or Ryan.

I'm home now. But not contemplative. I actually feel really weird.

On Sunday, we watched all 5 hours of Pride and Prejudice. Ok, I didn't watch the whole thing. I had to work on a CHOW project with Christina on medieval women mystics....strange people, they were...but I did get my fair share of non-gay Colin Firth.

Then there was a sonic trip that involved the smalled ice cream sundae ive ever had...not worth a whole dollar....and then walmart and christmas decorations. I want them. Yes, I've finally gotten into Christmas spirit. It's about time. Actually, Kohl's did it, you know, when I went shopping alone. They were playing Christmas music, and well, I couldn't help it. SO GOOD.

We didn't buy anything at walmart.

Monday was insane.

I arranged to meet Christina at 8 to work on our presentation. 8:40, I called her. I woke her up. Fail. I could've gotten another hour of sleep.

Have I ever talked about how much I love my kindergartners? Rebecca doesn't remember my name. Well, she mixes me up with other helpers..and I'm like, thanks, kid. I mention you in my blog, and you can't remember me even when I help you cut out your treasure box. I had to watch the kids during recess, and when they got bored, I arranged races for them. They had to try to get from the fence to my hand as fast as possible, doing whatever I told them to. They ran, hopped, skipped, pretended to be ice cream cones, etc. Their favorite was the cones. But who doesn't love ice cream cones?

Christina and I put on a ridiculous presentation. I was Hildegard of Bingen and she was Christina of Markyate. I was wearing Lisa's Harry Potter robe with a white scarf over my head and she was wearing an Eowyn dress. She came in reading a vision while I was singing in the background. We only got one contemptuous look from a girl who's a whore anyway, but Macallister loved it, so who cares. I totally had a vision in the middle of and said the word "womb" in front of the class.

Plus, my TECS presentation went really well. I love Autistic kids.

Snuggies get really warm really fast. Maybe I should name him Jacob.

Today, I battled with myself for two hours over whether or not I should get a flu shot. When I was finished, I didn't have time to get it. But Sarah said she would go with me if I went, so maybe I'll wait for her...

Kait can be fun to ride with in the car. We danced some, and spotted a car that we didn't really understand. Two bumper stickers--the most prominent was, "Who would Jesus bomb?" and the second was "The Episcopalian Church". Yeah. We were confused too. WWJB?

My dog was really excited to see me.

It's weird that when I talk to my grandfather on the phone, I get to say "Hey Dick!"

I got inside my house, and the first thing I saw was my snuggie. Not my mom, not my brother, but my brand-new snuggie box with the ecstatic blonde lady on the front. The blanket with sleeves. One size fits all-for adults. For work and play. Leaves hands free! I greedily grabbed the box. Daniel got the scissors. When I had wrestled it free, Daniel snatched it. Then he did a horrendous thing...he took MY snuggie's virginity! Yes, he was the first to wear my snuggie. >:( He shall PAY.

Mom has this way of keeping me talking while I'm trying to eat.

Then, dad had to show me all of his prints. There's this picture of me and Audrey skipping on the beach that I'm going to steal.

Mom and Dad told me their engagement story for the first time today. It wasn't very exciting (except for dad telling me they made out---ew.), but after he proposed, he did yell, "She said yes!!" to a bunch of the cars he passed driving home.

Daniel was trying to tell me stories about babysitting and working at Rainforest Adventures, but all I could think was, "Wow. His teeth look at lot like Robert Pattinson's." My brother is a vampire.

Audrey has a Jacob cup and a Jacob shirt. And she hasn't even read New Moon. I'm going to kill her and marry Jacob.

This snuggie is way too warm.

My father just turned "lmao" into "laughing my anus open." *sigh*. Gynecologists.

Song of the day: Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree.

Word of the day: cocoa pebbles. OM NOM NOM.

Guys, a lot has happened in the last few days. I haven't blogged since TUESDAY. Meaning I've actually done something interesting with my life.

I've slept til 12 or so the last four days. I'm a freakin bum.

So I made a list last spring called my diploma list. Actually, it was a marriage list, but the prospective groom has since been kicked out of the picture. So, a diploma list. Here it is:
-be a camp counselor (DONE!!)
-go skinny dipping/streaking
-learn Russian (if applicable)
-be on the Covenant College stage (DONE!!)
-finish my book
-go on a road trip with friends (DONE!!)
-go horseback riding (kind of done...)
-sing a solo or duet on stage
-be in a play
-take every trail at covenant
-go to a foreign country for an extended period of time
-learn a hip-hop dance

So what was the point of me telling you all that? I got on the covenant college stage this week! Balcony ran out of people for Founder's Skit Night, and I helped out. I was a princess with a sword :)

The end of New Moon makes girls cry. Well, we came out wailing. Lisa, Diana, Lydia, Molly, Kait, and I went to see the midnight premier...oh man. We went to starbucks first and me and Diana both got venti frapps....needless to say, I sounded like a twelve year old fangirl the rest of the night. Taylor Lautner is the most gorgeous creature on this earth. Ryan Reynolds is nice, but, well, Taylor....Ok, so the movie probably wouldn't have been that good from the perspective of someone who isn't really familiar with the books, but I LOVED IT. You can ask Diana. I was cuddling with her pretty much the whole time. I am now Team Jacob, and it's not just because Taylor is pretty.

So we went to bed really late that night.

None of my disney dvds are working in my computer except for the Lion King, and I'm just a little bit angry about it.

I like small group at Dr. Haddad's house a lot. She makes tea and she's British and really nice and I just really, really like being in a house. Pointing out places in our lives that are full of sin isn't quite so nice. I feel really dirty now.

I'm going to interject here. Matt Trask is one of my favorite people in the world. I talk about him in a way that makes me sound like I'm in love with him, but this is not the case. He's kind of my Jacob Black. He's way too young for me, and he was totally there for me all summer. Kind of like a little brother, but better. Matt was the guy I went to right after it all happened. He stayed up with me until 3:00 am, going to Wal-mart, having a dance party in the parking lot, sitting in a bus, making sure that by the time I went to bed I would go straight to sleep. He was the guy who was there to hug me whenever I needed it. When I was having the most frustratin day of my whole summer, he was the guy who ran down the road with me screaming like an idiot. He was the guy who spent a ridiculous amount of money on disness princess stuff to make sure I had an awesome birthday. He's fifteen. He's tall. One day, he's going to be an amazing man.

A Man Born to Be King is a very short play. At least, Covenant College's version is.

Monty Python is dirty but hilarious. I saw far too many breasts in one night due to The Meaning of Life. They never did show the gratuitous penises though.

I went shopping by myself today. It was weird and I felt really insecure. I'm a worse driver when I'm alone. And UTC plays are weird. I came out of ANONymous going uuuummm...???

So sometimes I really want a boyfriend. But then I think about all the time I have now, which is very little, and how much I would have to dedicate to a boy, and how much sexual tension there would be since I couldn't think about getting married for a couple years, and how much I would miss out on if I had a boy, and how awkward dating a Covenant guy would be. After going through all this, I end up decided that I do not want a boy right now. Or ever. Actually, I would prefer a man. Maybe Taylor Lautner when he's 20....

Song of the day, or the week: Best Days of Your Life by Kelli Picker. I love, love, love this song, and I wanna send it to Greasy and shove it down his unclean throat.

Word of the day: dead.

Promising, right?

It was foggy today. And disgusting. And I wore a black shirt with a black raincoat and a black notebook. Lovely. I was just miss cheerful today.

We talked about dating in RUF. I don't even know anymore.

But I got to knit, so it was ok.

TIPS = gender roles. I like them well enough. I'm a girl and I'm proud of it. There is confidence in my femininity.

I drink too much coffee.

I wrote a five-page paper in four hours. It would have been faster if I wasn't so meticulous.

RA appreciation battleball tournament = excellent idea. Molly is my favorite RA ever, and that's no lie. I love her so amazingly freakishly much. Because....she's Molly. There's no way to describe Molly, ever. Unless you wanna say she's rull great. But really, she's better than that.

So....death. Morgan's grammaw died yesterday, and she watched her die. Morgan is heartbroken, and I know this. I hate it. I've heard so many people talk about comforting those who lost somebody, but I'm still like, umm, I love you and I wish I could be there to hug you...? I mean, how would I feel if someone close to me died?

Then I found out tonight that Leah Avril got shot. I don't know her, but I know people who know her. Greasy had a picture of them together in his room, and now it's his profile pic.

Weird.

I'm fasting until Thanksgiving with Sarah and Carly, just fried foods and sweets. No Gigi's, please.

My hands are cold.

Song of the day: Do You Remember?

Word of the day: food. food, food, food.

Too bad the holidays are almost here.

I love spending time in Winchester. In fact, that's what I did this weekend! My grandaddy is this sweet, adorable old man and I like doing stuff with him, like eating, even if he doesn't say much. Or hear much. And that's ok. Then there's Rachel and Jenny, who are eight and four...? I don't have a favorite (like MOM does because she's convinced that Jenny's named after her), so I just try to play with both equally. They love me. And my camera. Rachel made me pick my favorite fairies out of her book and we shared an ipod in the car, listening to disney music. Jenny made me pretend that she was my dance instructor, and she taught me all about shapes. And then there's the baby turtles. And then there's Jonanne's wonderful healthy food, which, once you've had all of your double portion, isn't so healthy anymore. And then there's the really comfy bed. And then there's the woods. And then there's Hammer's store where you can buy clothes for not as much money. And then there's just being there and it's all great. The end. My weekend was excellent. And fat.

Problem: coming back to homework up to your eyeballs. We had a progressive dinner + dance party when I got back, so I really didn't do a whole lot til like nine. Then I still didn't do a whole lot. I did most of it this afternoon and had to skip a class to do it. Not a bad idea.

Today, I suddenly felt like I belonged in acting class. Mitch automatically assumed that I was auditioning for the next play and got onto me for not doing it. And he was just all around being nice to me today. I did a good job on my monologue. And after, Jacob Corbett asked me if I wanted to do the Crimes of the Heart scene with him, and I had been stressing about finding someone to do it with. I mean, it IS Jacob Corbett, but still. I was like this is wonderful...to be one of the acting kids, but not be weird...ok, well maybe not drama person weird...

AND I made a 96 on my Doctrine test! That's far better than the previous C! I was so excited...Stewart was talking about aliens today. Not really. He was talking about the humanity of Christ. But he said something about aliens, and that's all I remember.

I have a favorite kindergartner, and it makes me feel bad. But Cade is cute, and he listens, and he is an awesome artist.

Matt Trask is my Jacob Black.

Greasy didn't do anything this weekend to bother me, and it was wonderful. But I'm getting really tired of this whole parking-in-Sanderson-accumulating-tickets-but-not-having-any-consequences-thing. Technically, after two tickets, and maybe even a couple more, you're supposed to get a boot. Where is the boot?? Boot her car away!

I don't even want to think about all the work that's due in the next two weeks and the rest of my life. And the internship application that SHOULD be finished by now.

Have you ever elfed yourself? It's super hilarious.

I am annoyed by rude people, but I suppose this is normal.

My roommate is going to bed. I should too.

I DO NOT smell good.

Song of the day: Walking on Sunshine. Lydia and I definitely sang that on the way out of the Great Hall.

Word of the day: dearth. I just learned this new word, and I want to use it frequently, but I am somewhat unsure of it's meaning. I think it means none, because it was used in the context of "a dearth of dads", when the kid really didn't have any.

I have a dearth of free time in the next two months. Did I use this correctly?

I'm getting close to the end of the scarf, making me pretty much a knitting machine.

I have had a dearth of workouts this week. But plenty of coffee, and soon my teeth will be stained like a Brit's.

Piano music is very relaxing. Sleeping in is too, and I've done that three times.

My mommy bought me a snuggie this week!! Unfortunately, I do not have it in my possession right now, meaning that I have a dearth of snuggies until Thanksgiving Break. Which is way too far away.

Homework due next week? I really don't want to think about it. Pretty much all of it is due Monday, except for two papers, though the draft of one of those is due Monday, so it's pretty much due Monday too. Ok, so only one paper isn't due Monday. I'm going to shoot myself.

I had to drag Sarah to get her nose pierced yesterday. It was so fun...I had to lock the car doors to keep her out of it, then kind of force her to go inside, then sit with her in the waiting room, then hold her hand as they stuck the needle through, and then reassure her every five minutes that her nose was not gushing blood. Oh my. Good times.

NEW MOON COMES OUT NEXT THURSDAY!!!! AAAAHHHHH!!!!!

Facebook is an evil, terrible, wicked thing. There should be more of it.

Actually, this week has been kind of hard emotionally. It all started with that stupid Liz e-mail thing (which I never got--surprised? I'm not...just disappointed). Throughout the week, I realized how selfish and manipulative she really is through storiese from Sarah and what I saw at young life. She was never really feeling sorry for ripping someone's heart to pieces in the process of getting the boy she wanted--she just hated to think that someone didn't like her. She probably almost thought that I should be the one to apologize for disapproving of her romance story.

Young Life was killer this time. Last time, I came out fine. This time it all started wrong. Before we even got there, we passed them walking up, holding hands, and it just looked so wrong to me. When they got inside, people were excited to see him. All I could think was, "if only they knew..." Then Liz was obnoxious and rude to me for the first half, sometimes saying things to Sarah and standing in front of me like I wasn't even there. On the flip side, I was perfectly polite to her. And the entire service, she was one spot over from me. And Greasy was on the other side of the room, sitting by my stuff and getting a good view of me. I felt so exposed. And I realized that I was in the same room with the two people who hurt me the most in the world--and they didn't even care. I kept a really upbeat mask on the whole time, but cried all the way back up the mountain and for a little while after in the car.

The next day, Sarah finally figured out that he was spending the night there, sleeping with Liz in her bed. I knew he'd been staying over, but I thought he would at least have the decency to sleep on the couch. On facebook this morning, there were comments about her waking up happy. I wanted to punch my computer screen. It took me a while too, to figure out why I was upset, because, I mean, it's not like I want to sleep with him now or anything. But I suppose it's this--the two most selfish, hurtful, hypocritical people I know are getting the "happiness" that I used to want. She got exactly what she wanted, like she does all the time. And they spend every free moment together--which is more time than he used to give me. It makes me feel like I'm worth less than she is. Like I'm less lovable. Like I'm not worth it. It's so messed up. He used to come to my house to wake me up sometimes and sing "Good Morning, Beautiful". Once he woke me up with my promise ring. I used to dream about waking up to his face every morning.

Yuck. It's like none of that was even special, because he went ahead and used it on the next one.

Where's my husband when I need him? I have a dearth of husbands! I also wish that I had a dearth of greasy boys...unfortunately, this one still tries to do things to get my attention. Like creep me in the lunchroom this afternoon when he has no reason to be on campus.

I'm going to visit Jonanne and the girls this weekend, and it's gonna be great. And I'll be cut off from the internet, so I may actually get some homework done. Buuuut...maybe not. Lol. They have woods and turtles :)

Song of the day: How You Love Me Now (by Hello Monday). It's real great. Totally applied.