Word of the day: forgiveness.

You guys have NO idea how life-changing this break has been. Well, actually, most of you do because I texted you, but any wayyy....

I mean, Urbana was huge in itself. I found my life calling and learned about forgiveness. A girl shouldn't get too much in one week, right?

But I knew I wasn't done. I knew that I needed to tell Dusty that I forgave him. I didn't want to do it in a message, I wanted to do it in person. So I told God that if he wanted me to talk to Dusty, he should bring him to church and I would do it. Well, he came to church. I had no choice.

As soon as the service was over, I kept my eye on him and pounced on him as he looked like he was leaving. My heart was absolutely pounding---I mean, you know the phrase "Don't bite the hand that feeds you"...well, I kept thinking "Don't talk to the hand that bites you."

But he was really friendly and I was surprised. It was an immediate smile and "Hi how are you?" Ummmm......nervous?? So we went out in the hallway and I blurted out my lines. I told him that though I had been so mad for so long, I'd finally forgiven him bla bla bla...

We sat out there for four hours.

Honestly, I can't tell you all that was said, as in I don't remember it all because it was a ridiculous amount of information.

But afterwards I felt so much better. No, I don't know how much of what he said was true. I know some of it definitely was, but other times I really questioned it. Honestly though, at least as of right now, I don't care that much. What he said made me feel better, and since it doesn't have drastic consequences, for now I don't feel like questioning it. It wasn't said in an "I want you to pity me" way or an "I want you back way". He seemed like he was genuinely happy I was doing well--and that there had been a lot of misunderstanding. He said that he lied and acted like a jerk for my benefit because he wanted me to let go. I don't know. I'll just run with it. I'll be free willy. "Be free, Willy! I don't want you anymore! GO!"

And I don't want it to stay on my mind. I'm tired of hitting the replay button over and over...Did those match up? What REALLY happened? Ummm...I don't care that much anymore. I'm single. I'm happy. I'm going to be a missionary. I'm interested in tall blonde men.

We sat down and had a cordial conversation. I was able to tell him everything I had bottled up for six months, but not be angry about it. Like, I told him about my anger without a demonstration. I needed that. And I got to tell him how happy I am now. I needed that too. And he told me how he wished things could be the way they were when we were together my senior year, and how valuable he really thought I was, and how he knew he wasn't good enough for me. I needed that too.

I went home crying because I felt so free. I can't tell for sure if this is the end of messy. I hope it is. But it is definitely the end of me the way I was. I'm not mad anymore! I don't feel the need to bash him anymore. So this is what forgiveness feels like----you get to the point where it doesn't matter anymore. I mean, if I found out all he said in the conversation was a lie, I will be frustrated, but I won't be mad. I don't hate him anymore.

I am different than I was!

I did tell him that as long as he is with Liz, we can't be facebook friends. I don't know if we'll really communicate after this or anything. But looking at him, I found that I don't have feelings for him anymore. If I tried, I might be able to summon them up, but really, everything in my being shies away from his appearance. That helps so much. Him being with Liz still hurts, I told him that, but it's not because I still love him, it's just because it makes me remember pain.

What was weird though, was that talking to him felt like talking to a friend. I didn't understand that. I never thought we could be cordial with each other that way. I didn't cry, I didn't get mad, we just talked. I got to talk to Him about what God was doing in my life, and I hope it mattered. Honestly, I kind of liked it. I hope that's not dangerous in the future, I don't want to get attached, and especially as long as he's with Liz, it isn't healthy.

But the important thing is, I'm not angry anymore. I love Jesus. I feel fresh and new. I'm almost healed.

Awesome :)

And....I know a lot of you want actual deets, so I'll give you the downlow when we see each other next, k?

Song of the day: Hakuna Mungu Kama Wewe