Word of the day: flour. Because I think it was in everything I ate.

So here's the deal. I was tired. I thought, "I'll go to bed." Then I got not-tired. Which brings us here tonight.

I've decided I want to try putting pictures in blogs to make them more visually appealing :D

So, since beginning babysitting, I have gone on a child craze. The boys I babysat Thursday were PRECIOUS. Luke(y): 7 Graham: 4 (also known as "dis many") and Ethan: 2. We ate fudgesicles and played lightsabers. Most popular phrase of the evening, "I GOT HER BOOTY! I GOT HERBOOTY!" I will now provide pictures.

That is more difficult to do than I thought. I will only add one. But there is Ethan, Graham, and Luke(y). They listen well and have huge eyes.

Our previewer was awkward. She spent most of her time on the phone and she was real little and wore brown shoes with a black skirt. Not even cute brown shoes.

Stewart showed us his socks in Doctrine class. It was probably the most exciting Doctrine class yet. I think he used the word "rapidly" TWICE in one sentence. ---and you must understand. Dr. Stewart is the white-haired Canadian man who is real awkward and uses huge words in all the wrong places. He has Bible wikipedia in his head, I am sure. He is often the only one laughing at his jokes, and he laughs a lot. He also kind of looks like a walrus, and if you picture him in a pink plaid dress, it makes class about 100x better. Unfortunately, I do not have a picture of him.

In CHOW, I think about boys alot. This is probably for two reasons: a) CHOW is boring no matter who teaches is and b) the boys in there are weird and gross. So I made a list on Friday of weird things I had observed in Covenant boys over the last few weeks, and here is what I found:

• Boy sitting next to me: jock with a tuft of hair sticking out the top of his head, chewing his nails and SPITTING them on the floor.
• Another boy in another row who had a folder with puppies on it and was wearing a black Chavante jacket with gold, shiny patterns everywhere.
• Manpris.
• Manhugs.
• Skinny jeans.
• Cecilia, the naked boy dance party that I have heard about and [thankfully] never seen.
• Boy in Brethren monk robe walking to chapel.
• [last semester] Three long, blond haired founders boys standing in the Great Hall, holding their plates while talking and eating. Through the entire meal. And they were all dressed in colors that don't go together.
• The Doxology being sung in the Great Hall and lots of other places. By boys.
  
• Boy who was wearing a tie and giving a Doctrine presentation on predestination asked the class not to lynch him. This would only happen at a Christian school, because that's the only place where you would get lynched in an argument over predestination.
• Tangent from that, nerd boy on the WAY to Doctrine class, talking about doctrine and getting as excited about it as normal boys get about Halo.
  
• Boys with "tool" written clearly across their foreheads in invisible letters.
• A long haired boy singing "Maybe This Time" from a musical while running to his class.
• And last but not least, KNEE HIGH LACE UP MOCCASIN BOOTS.

I have come to the conclusion that Covenant boys are either cocky jerks or borderline gay. Which is why I intend to stay single for....a long while...

I also really enjoyed this picture someone drew on the board when we were talking about Descartes:

I know you can't see the first guy, but every picture is that guy sitting in a desk and you can still see his speak bubble.

Next week, I will start a regular babysitting job with two girls named Lila and Anna. And I will be carting them to piano lessons and soccer practice like a 36-year-old mother. Awesome.

I also started new member's class at New City, and will officially be a member tomorrow! Woohoo! And our teacher brought in Panera bagels today DOUBLE WOOHOO!

Now I want to show you what has happened to our room in the past couple days:

Picture one: B. Pep after we changed him from Santa to Cupid. Picture 2: Dirty Dove wrapper. Piture 3: my roommate is an artist.

Tonight, we made cookies and banana bread. This was after our trip to Wendy's where I had a Frosty. And after the rest of the day, where all I ate was Panera bagels. The only vegetables I recall having today were those that were on my Junior Bacon Cheeseburger.

On a more serious note, my mom is having a relapse in her MS. Her left arm and leg are kind of going numb.

On a not-as-serious note, my brother brought home an empty emu egg.

Song of the day: Radio. Because it never lets me down.

Word of the day: babysitting!

At the moment, I am listening to the Men in Tights song. I am not a man. I hate wearing tights. But I would love to do this song on stage.

Tuesday was my best day of the week, I would say. It was the day of children. First of all, I was reunited with my kindergartners and I was OH so happy to see them! Some of them still don't remember my name, but I know they love me...

So, while I was there, I asked Mrs. Cook if any families needed babysitters, and she said she didn't know, but would have the church secretary to send out a church-wide e-mail and she would recommend me. I thought, ok, no biggie...

I found out that afternoon, after responses from four families, that lots of people want babysitters. Bad. I got a job that very night, with the Dupree family. They had five kiddos, possibly the cutest crop of children I've met that all live in one family--and probably one of the most hyper. It was an adventure. Meet the kids: Alexis was about 12, freckles, brown hair, and in love with me. Koelin, roughly 8, long blonde hair, wide blue eyes, and a mouth that didn't close. Ever. Drake was six, dirty blond, and intense. Jack was four, bright blond, HUGE brown eyes, and, well, ...my favorite...and Jonathan was three, curly brown hair and blue eyes and a little TERROR. But a really cute terror. Jonathan was the one sliding everywhere, climbing on furniture, and stealing food behind your back. But if you picked him up, he covered your cheek in kisses...or at least, I think that's what they were...

I had at least four pieces of homemade garlic bread. There was a sword on the table during dinner. Jack stared at his casserole for about 30 minutes, begging not to eat it, then moaning at it softly, before digging in. Koelin and Drake got into a fight over who could talk to me at the dinnertable and they growled like wild animals. Jonathan spilled water three times and ate his casserole with his hands. I kept a switching gluestick in my back pocket, but never used it. We played "mom", and I took them to the zoo in my van, and when we got there, there were at least five different species of dragons, one of which gave us a ride. It only took four or so tries to get the boys to bed, after Jonathan had gone potty twice, one of which times he told us before he had to go, which means he earned two gummy bears. I didn't get the girls to bed until two hours later, after bouts with sleepiness, cut Barbie hair, and ganglion cists.

But I managed to finish my homework!

I get to babysit again tonight too, and the mom sounds super cool. She even has a blog.

Oh, and I found Sarah a job with a family down the mountain! I just gots the hookups now.

So, I found something. I actually like Biology when I get it. Our professors explains things to us in four-year-old terms. Let me explain protein death to you:

Ubiquitin is the death man. When he comes after you, if you are a protein, you better run, for the end is near. If he manages to catch you, he will leave the mark of death upon you, and then drag you to the Proteome Monster, wherein lies the CHAMBER OF HORRORS. Ubiqiutin will throw you in, whereupon you will be EATEN ALIVE. But there is hope! If you have been a good protein, you will be reincarted as a new protein by use of your recycled amino acids! So make sure to say please and thank you and be very nice to everyone you meet before Ubiqiutin can find you. The end.

I am sleep deprived and caffeine high! WOOHOO!!!

Christina cited me as the author of a book today in Tech for Educators. The book was called Why I Chose to Date a Snuggie.

Yesterday I felt like a slug. It was gross. I need to have more dance parties.

We have a previewer coming this weekend. Her name is Emily Basham, and I have unofficially named her Emily Basham-in-the-head :) Brian Peppers wrote her a very sweet note introducing her to the room and informing her that if she didn't smile a lot, he would kick her out of the room. And if he doesn't, I will. Lisa's already contemplating ways to do this, since I will be gone most of the time that Basham-in-the-head is here.

EMILY'S HERE!

Song of the day: I Need Love. But it's ironic because I already am it! Ha. Ha. Ha. Oook....

Word of the day: mojo. I'm an addict.

I've been at Covenant for a week, and it feels like I've been here for a month. I love that feeling.

I am a free music addict. 2,000 songs in six days. It's discussing. At the moment, my bootdancing playlist is going on my stereo with 89 songs on it. I was born to be black.

I need to buy some coco puffs. Too much gopher cereal is getting to me. I should probably eat more of it, though, as well as get some exercise. Speaking of exercise, Michelle and I went to yoga class last Thursday. Yoga does this thing where you hurt in one place the first day and hurt in completely different places the next day. There was one man in the group, and he was old.

I figured out why I'm going to be an elementary teacher. It's because Biology has too many big words in it. When you are an elementary school teacher, all you tell the kids is: "That's your hand. It has hand cells in it. That's your brain. It has brain cells in it. Microtubules?!?!? Don't you DARE say in my class, young man! Cell, four letters, that's IT!" Biology is gross.

My CHOW professor says boo-sum instead of bosom.

Beyonce is distracting me....

The Fantastic Mr. Fox is good both the first and second time around. Shaun of the Dead is scary. Boys Meets World is addictive. Gigi's cupcakes weigh about fifty pounds. The first few episodes of Glee are a lot more awkward than the rest of the series. My room went down 5 degrees in three minutes after the window was opened. Fame has great songs in it. Knitting is therapy.

Alyssa's car died in the Target parking lot, and we had some really nice strangers fix it for us. Unfortunately, it's cold outside this time of year. Fortunately, Chik-fil-a is delicious.

Barb still hasn't emailed back, and I need to take affirmative action. Hey Barb, I need an answer!

Last night was very emotional. We had spill your guts out time on the hall, which was AWESOME. The ladies on The Fritz are beautiful.

Babysitting jobs are hard to come by. And I am not going to spend money this week. I hope.

My ex-boyfriend is annoying.

On Saturday, we made a batch of 60 chocolate cookies covered in powdered sugar. By we, I mean me, Lisa, Molly, Laura M, and Kait. We also played Phase 10 and ate roughly seven cookies each. By the time the cookies were gone the next day, I think I had eaten 20. Mmmmm.

I wrote an article on Urbana for the Bagpipe.

I would like more time to spend reading books that I want to read. Scratch that. I would like the self control and time management skills that would allow me to make time to do that. Sounds excellent.

My roommate does not approve of my booty music....because secretly, there's a booty dancer inside of her waiting to break out and go crazy and she just doesn't want to admit it.

You know what Covenant needs? A playground!

I stole the shower from Kait this morning, and I am rather proud of myself.

Summer should come back so I can wear shorts.

I want to make up a new dance that combines booty dancing and riverdancing. I'll call it boover dancing and it'll be INSANE.

Song of the day: Runnin' by Jesse McCartney

Word of the day: Boy Meets World. Well, not a word, but a whole show that our hall loves.

I've watched a lot of things in the last couple days.

Coming back to Covenant is BEAUTIFUL. I love these women!!! I screamed three times my first night here because Kait, Alyssa, and Lisa are all ridiculously scary. Well, they aren't scary, I'm just jumpy. I was walking back to the room, and Lisa was just IN there, and I hit the floor screaming. I don't get it.

I mean, there's something really great about always having good music playing in the background and being able to find a laugh whenever you need one. My roommate and I stayed up until 3:00 in the morning the first night. Way better than spending every night up on facebook because I'm lonely, which is the reason I CANNOT spend this summer at home.

Then I found out that Molly got ALL of Boy Meets World and Lisa got the first season of Glee. That was the moment when we all died and went to heaven.

I named Lisa's pink snuggie Shania and there's nothing she can do about it.

Kait burst into the room just now and scared the crap outa me and Lisa. She left a coat hanger behind her, and Lisa followed her out, yelling, "Why did you leave this abortion tool in here?!" Now Kait's on the phone and Lisa's chasing her around going, "Is it Cabot? Cabot? Cabot! Hey Cabot!" which is the name of Kait's lover. Kind of.

Oh! Hold on! Pocahontas dance break!

......

Alright done now. Maybe.

I went job hunting with Sarah Beagan yesterday. And we walked around UTC campus, which is starting to feel more and more comfortable, almost like I go there. Kind of. But job hunting is difficult these days. I guess I just need to find a good babysitting one on the mountain. Somewhere. Cuz this chicka needs money, which I can only get through a job or a sugar daddy. Preferrably the job, because Sugar Daddies tend to be old and desperate.

Last night the hall went to go see Leap Year, which is SUPER cute!!! I'm totally all for an adorable Irish man with a backbone (and trust me--the backbones in men are hard to come by these days).

First class was today, Tech for Educators with Amy and Christina, who are two of my favorite people I suppose. We'll see how this class goes... -_- At least I have them for lunch beforehand.

I finally went through my Urbana missions stuff bag while watching Boy Meets World. It's a really scary bag. There are so many places I could go this summer, and I don't know what to apply for. But the Dominican Republic one still seems really promising. I'm still waiting on Barb at MTW...who said she would be giving me an answer last Monday....

Diana came back with many pastries from Starbucks. Oh how I do love her.

Song of the day: Tik Tok. Because I do wake up every morning feelin like P. Diddy.

Word of the day: sluggish. That's pretty much been my whole week.

I get to back to Covenant tomorrow, and I'm trying to decide whether or not I'm excited. Other people? Yes. More papers? NOOO!

Weeks do this thing where if you don't keep track of them, they turn into blurs.

It snowed a lot this week. And see, I'm a fan of looking at snow. It's real pretty and all. But I'm not a fan of snow being cold and forcing me to stay cooped up in my house.

Monday all I did was take the kids to school. I was then inside for the rest of the day. I mean, I put on makeup and everything, and I was inside all day. What a waste of good looks!

Tuesday I managed to make it over to Morgan's house. I told her I wasn't sure if I should dress more warmly to go over there, and she replied "Just bring Jacob!" She referred to Jacob using his name instead of calling him "your snuggie". This is why she is my best friend. We spent most of the evening cleaning, which worked out well for me because I got to take home everything that she decided she didn't want anymore. Six bottles of Bath and Body Works products? AWESOME!

Wednesday I made it out for Robin coffee date time and lunch with cousin I hardly know time. Then I was stuck in the house with Tweedle-Dee and Tweedle-Dum who were out of school for snow pretty much the whole week. And here's what happens when they are home: all three of us end up in the playroom and the two of them fight over who gets the computer and who gets to pick what we watch. If Audrey gets to pick, it's usually iCarly or something halfway interesting and teeny bopper. If Daniel gets to pick, it's CSI or Man vs. Wild or Dirty Jobs or some nerdy man show.

Thursday. I don't remember what I did that day. I could've sworn I did something....what did I wear that day? Pajamas. I did nothing. I hate nothing days.

On Friday I felt much more productive. I cleaned my room so Lacey could come over, and we spent the evening watching He's Just Not That Into You and White Chicks as well as discussing the ins and outs of the Twilight series.

Aaaaand AVATAR IS AMAZING!!! Saw it today, LOVED IT.

I feel that I am very ready to be out of this house, but at the same time I don't wanna leave. Predicaments, predicaments, predicaments.

And this is weird. I'm trying to figure out exactly what is going on between Dusty and me now. We are friends. The question is how good of friends. We've texted just about every day since our talk, and I still haven't figured out exactly how all of this is gonna work. Sometimes I really don't care. Other times it makes me really happy. And other times it still makes me hurt remembering the rejection and still feeling rejected. I've forgiven him, so I'm not mad at him anymore. But I don't know how all this is going to pan out or if it's a good idea or bad one. I guess for now I'll just surf with it. And I guess the next step is forgiving HER since I know I haven't done that yet.

I need an accountability partner.

I need to start working out.

I need to figure out what is going on with this summer.

I need a boyfriend....NOT! lol...

I don't have a song of the day, unless there is a song about laziness. Then I want to download it and jam to it.

Word of the day: forgiveness.

You guys have NO idea how life-changing this break has been. Well, actually, most of you do because I texted you, but any wayyy....

I mean, Urbana was huge in itself. I found my life calling and learned about forgiveness. A girl shouldn't get too much in one week, right?

But I knew I wasn't done. I knew that I needed to tell Dusty that I forgave him. I didn't want to do it in a message, I wanted to do it in person. So I told God that if he wanted me to talk to Dusty, he should bring him to church and I would do it. Well, he came to church. I had no choice.

As soon as the service was over, I kept my eye on him and pounced on him as he looked like he was leaving. My heart was absolutely pounding---I mean, you know the phrase "Don't bite the hand that feeds you"...well, I kept thinking "Don't talk to the hand that bites you."

But he was really friendly and I was surprised. It was an immediate smile and "Hi how are you?" Ummmm......nervous?? So we went out in the hallway and I blurted out my lines. I told him that though I had been so mad for so long, I'd finally forgiven him bla bla bla...

We sat out there for four hours.

Honestly, I can't tell you all that was said, as in I don't remember it all because it was a ridiculous amount of information.

But afterwards I felt so much better. No, I don't know how much of what he said was true. I know some of it definitely was, but other times I really questioned it. Honestly though, at least as of right now, I don't care that much. What he said made me feel better, and since it doesn't have drastic consequences, for now I don't feel like questioning it. It wasn't said in an "I want you to pity me" way or an "I want you back way". He seemed like he was genuinely happy I was doing well--and that there had been a lot of misunderstanding. He said that he lied and acted like a jerk for my benefit because he wanted me to let go. I don't know. I'll just run with it. I'll be free willy. "Be free, Willy! I don't want you anymore! GO!"

And I don't want it to stay on my mind. I'm tired of hitting the replay button over and over...Did those match up? What REALLY happened? Ummm...I don't care that much anymore. I'm single. I'm happy. I'm going to be a missionary. I'm interested in tall blonde men.

We sat down and had a cordial conversation. I was able to tell him everything I had bottled up for six months, but not be angry about it. Like, I told him about my anger without a demonstration. I needed that. And I got to tell him how happy I am now. I needed that too. And he told me how he wished things could be the way they were when we were together my senior year, and how valuable he really thought I was, and how he knew he wasn't good enough for me. I needed that too.

I went home crying because I felt so free. I can't tell for sure if this is the end of messy. I hope it is. But it is definitely the end of me the way I was. I'm not mad anymore! I don't feel the need to bash him anymore. So this is what forgiveness feels like----you get to the point where it doesn't matter anymore. I mean, if I found out all he said in the conversation was a lie, I will be frustrated, but I won't be mad. I don't hate him anymore.

I am different than I was!

I did tell him that as long as he is with Liz, we can't be facebook friends. I don't know if we'll really communicate after this or anything. But looking at him, I found that I don't have feelings for him anymore. If I tried, I might be able to summon them up, but really, everything in my being shies away from his appearance. That helps so much. Him being with Liz still hurts, I told him that, but it's not because I still love him, it's just because it makes me remember pain.

What was weird though, was that talking to him felt like talking to a friend. I didn't understand that. I never thought we could be cordial with each other that way. I didn't cry, I didn't get mad, we just talked. I got to talk to Him about what God was doing in my life, and I hope it mattered. Honestly, I kind of liked it. I hope that's not dangerous in the future, I don't want to get attached, and especially as long as he's with Liz, it isn't healthy.

But the important thing is, I'm not angry anymore. I love Jesus. I feel fresh and new. I'm almost healed.

Awesome :)

And....I know a lot of you want actual deets, so I'll give you the downlow when we see each other next, k?

Song of the day: Hakuna Mungu Kama Wewe

Word of the week: Urbana. Also known as life changing.

I went in expecting this week to impact my life, but I didn't think it would hit the way it did.

Oh yeah, and it's the New Year.

By the time I finally got to bed that first night of the conference, I had gone at least 36 hours without sleep. That is insane. I just don't function at that level--but I think I was doing pretty well. At that point, I kind of wanted to strangle Rachel and Sarah, but I'm sure that was mostly because I was tired enough to want to strangle anybody that got in my way.

After that first night, everything was a whirlwind. I tell you what, at Urbana, they pack it in. Mondo. I was learning about the book of John in depth, hearing about child armies in Uganda, listening to talks on world poverty, hearing about the homosexual community, listening to speakers from around the globe, learning about raising support in missions, and on and on and on. So much information in four days. The entire thing was held in this HUGE stadium/conference center, and they had this big room called "global connexions" where, no joke, there were over 100 missions agencies looking to recruit. For little nerdy missions college students, that's like taking a fat kid to a candy buffet. It's fun for a while--but after, your head hurts.

I've known for a while that God's called me to missions. I didn't know what that would look like as a long-term thing. I thought that He might've wanted me in Russia or Ukraine, but when I got to the conference, I just became open to anything. After going to a seminar on child soldiers in Uganda, I felt more of a tug on my heart for teaching the kids that nobody wants. Those children need an education too--not just the missionary kids in nice buildings. I wanna teach in a hut with bugs! Well, not have the bugs, but if that's where God wants me, I'm all for it. I committed to cross cultural missions long term--that's two+ years. Wow. The booth that caught my eye most was giving an opportunity to spend the summer teaching orphans at a camp in the Dominican Republic. I know nothing about the Dominican Republic, but this idea really excites me.

We'll see.

Then there were the talks on forgiveness. I've been wanting to forgive for months, obviously. It's not in my nature to be angry all the time and it just feels unnatural to hold so much bitterness. I had saved all of Dusty's text messages in my phone for several different reasons. They reminded me of the mean lies he had said, and I wanted proof that he had said those things. Why? I don't know. I was sick of the people who thought he was the good guy. But Thursday morning, I finally realized what a burden I was carrying with me. There was no reason to keep all of them--my "proof", which is basically another way of saying my bitterness. It was the strangest experience watching them all be erased, all 170 of them (that may sound like a lot, but I had only saved the "important" ones). I literally felt like I was watching myself lose weight. My anger dissolved. And throughout the day, listening to speakers talk about forgiveness, I just felt lighter and lighter. God is supreme, He caused me to go through that pain for a purpose. At this point, I look back at it, and I can still feel some of the hurt, but I don't feel the anger anymore. Hating Dusty is hating my Savior, and I can't do that. I forgave him. Now I'm just curious to see how God's going to test it.

Rachel and Sarah were ridiculous all week. I love those girls--even though sometimes Rachel can be a BIT stretching lol. Every day, we took a 20-minute walk from the hotel to the stadium and it was like, -200 degrees...not really, but it was ridiculously cold. So we distracted ourselves by singing. We sang "A Thousand Miles" like 3 times every walk, and we had this whole dance to it. Rachel made an excuse to talk to guys whenever possible. She is also one of the scariest people I know, because when she wants to be somewhere, she GETS there. And little Sarah...we picked a seat once where she was too short to see the stage, and she goes "Guys, I'm like a little Zaccheus--where's my tree??" We were on the escalator, and Rachel was making some joke about Sarah being retarded, but she turned around and knocked all three of us down. I was yelling at her when some guy standing next to me looked at her and said, "Excuse me, I'm sorry, but did YOU just call HER retarded??"

And when everybody was waiting in line to get into the stadium, song would burst out. The favorite song of the conference was "Hakuna Mungu Kama Wewe", and we heard it several times a day by people walking around, waiting in line, and packing in before the stadium. There was a dance to it, too, so it was pretty much the bomb. Father Abraham also broke out once. Schweet.

I got a bunch of free stuff too. Two waterbottles, some calendars, a hat, pens, chopsticks, candy, a frisbee...I'm not going to lie, I only stopped at some of those missions booths to get free stuff.

We stayed next to the St. Louis Arch, which was pretty sweet.

Breakfast was amazing.

One day we had a "solidarity meal" where we had to eat like many of the world's poor. Dinner: one tortilla, beans, and a one dixie cup of water. I never heard the end of it from Rachel.

We met a bunch of cool new people. Half the people at that conference were Asians, and our favorite new friend was Jenna Oh. She was in our family group that met nightly and had a good ole time.

Worship was amazing. We danced the whole time, and THAT is my kind of worship.

A lot of cuddling happened between the three of us, because we were always sleepy. Rachel and I were definitely snuggling on the ride back because that van was FREEZING. My toes were numb!

We ushered the new year in with communion and extreme worship. Counting down during the song "Let the Redeemed of the Lord Say So" is definitely the best way to start the year off. Best New Year in my book.

Speaking of the fact that 2009 is over....

I'm going to put a little word in about how my life has changed this year. It's been one of the most radical years of my life. I got through my freshman year. I became single. I was a camp counselor--which is life-changing in itself. I went to Oregon. I learned a ridiculous amount of things in one semester. I grew way closer to God. I found my call to be a missionary.

Growing pains hurt at the time, but they make one more beautiful than before. I am a changed person, and I love it. I still have a lot of fixing up to do, I've still got my struggles, but God is very, very good.

Song of the day: I Have a Hope.